Derek and Clive – Celebrity Suicide

From the album ‘Ad Nauseam‘ (1978).

Clive:
I… bought a ball bearing business down, er, Dulwich way and, er, it’s doing quite well.
Derek:
Yeah-h, yeah, it’s better, that.
Clive:
Our turnover is up to, er, three thousand, er,…
Derek:
Ball bearings.
Clive:
Three thousand a week, yeah.
Derek:
Yeah? That’s good.
Clive:
And the good thing about ball bearings is that, er,…
Derek:
Well, it’s-, it’s…
Clive:
The f-
Derek:
…everybody needs ball bearings.
Clive:
Well, that’s what I say. The wife says, "Well, why don’t you become a… television star?", and I say, "W-, why do I need it…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
…when I’ve got my ball bearings to keep me rolling?"
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
And, er,…
Derek:
Uhh-huh.
Clive:
…she’d still like me to be on, er, on the telly…
Derek:
Yeah, well y-…
Clive:
…so I volunteered for this new game they’ve got on, er, ‘Celebrity Suicide’.
Derek:
Oh yeah (laughs)
Clive:
In which, er, well-known celebrities, erm, put themselves in a noose and, er,…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
…hang themselves. And the last person to die gets a – thousand quid.
Derek:
That’s good.
Clive:
But, er, they-, I wasn’t selected.
Derek:
No, well, you wouldn’t – be.
Clive:
I said, "I-, is,…
Derek:
It’s fixed.
Clive:
…is it because I’m only, er, one inch high… and four foot wide?", and they said, "No, it’s nothing to do with that." ‘Cause you know I’m very…
Derek:
Well, you are…
Clive:
…wide on the ground and short in the air. And, er, they said, "No, it’s nothing to with that," they said, "er, the basic fact is we think you’re a cunt,…
Derek:
That’s unusual.
Clive:
…and we don’t like cunts on the show ’cause it puts off the audience."
Derek:
(sniggers)
Clive:
And so I-, I went away with a flea in my ear.
Derek:
Best place to have it.
Clive:
Really, yeah. And, er, the wife is still on about me being a celebrity, you know, and, er,… she was on, er, she was on, erm, ‘Blow Your Tits Up’ and…
Derek:
(laughs aloud)
Clive:
(sniggers) She was on this, er, new game called ‘Blow Your Tits Up’…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
…in which, er, celebrities such as Anthony Newley and Bruce Forsyth attach explosives to women’s tits and, erm, the tits that go highest in the air…
Derek:
(still laughing)
Clive:
…win the biggest prizes. But Dolly said, er, she couldn’t stand that and, er,…
Derek:
(coughs)
Clive:
…I respected-, I respected her views.
Derek:
Well, you do, don’t you?
Clive:
You remember Vera?
Derek:
Gorrrr…
Clive:
…I nearly married.
Derek:
…yeah, yeah.
Clive:
The one I… fucked and, er, nailed to the wall in Chiswick. Er, she was invited to, erm, ‘Celebrity Saviours’…
Derek:
Yeah?
Clive:
In which, er, well-known people are-, are nailed up to the-, to the wall…
Derek:
(laughs)
Clive:
…and the one who screams loudest, er, gets the prize but, er, she said that was, er, beneath her dignity.
Derek:
Yeah, well…
Clive:
I respect that view…
Derek:
(sniggers)
Clive:
…but I still think she was a cunt not to take the money.