Derek and Clive – Records

From the album ‘Ad Nauseam‘ (1978).

Clive:
You know that, er, fucking Guinness Book of Records?
Derek:
Mmmm.
Clive:
I’ve always wanted to be in there becau-…
Derek:
Mmm-mm-mm.
Clive:
…’cause they’ve got all the records that people have done things, you know, for the longest and…
Derek:
Shortest.
Clive:
…highest and everything ‘n’ that. And, erm, I was in, er, the living room the other day and, er, I felt I was going to sneeze, you know.
Derek:
Mmm.
Clive:
And I suddenly thought: ‘Well, no, fuck it, I won’t sneeze, I’ll reserve it’. And every half-hour when I wanted to sneeze, you know, I reserved it instead of blowing it out into the hanky an’ that. And when I’d got a good pile of it up my nose and – I think it was running down my troat actually ’cause I had so much of it, you know,…
Derek:
Yeah, yeah.
Clive:
…gradually building up.
Derek:
Right.
Clive:
I thought: ‘I’ll try and establish the Guinness Book of Records’ record for the longest trail of snot in the world’.
Derek:
(laughs)
Clive:
And, er, I just sat there, you know, and I thought I had enough. I thought I had about at least ten yards. And I…
Derek:
Is that all?
Clive:
…I was watching, erm, ‘3-2-1’ with Ted Rogers.
Derek:
Mmmm.
Clive:
And, er, great programme, that, c-, I got a bit carried away during it…
Derek:
(laughs)
Clive:
…and I almost forgot that I had this, you know, tonnes of snot up my nose and down my throat and it was almost beginning to kill me. And I thought: ‘What am I doing?’ And I suddenly realised what I was doing, and so…
Derek:
You were fucking breaking the world record, mate, that’s what you were doing.
Clive:
I was breaking the world record, that was what I was after!
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
So, very delicately, I put up my forefinger and my thumb…
Derek:
Mm-hmmm.
Clive:
…to my nose. And I thought: ‘Oh fuck, I’ve gone and fucked it’, ’cause the first bit I got was very hard and I thought: ‘It’s all gone hard and I won’t be able string it out at all’. But, as luck would have it, you know, it was only the first bit…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
…which had got clotted and hard. And…
Derek:
Well, it had probably been in contact with the air, you see, just got a bit…
Clive:
It had been-, yes, on the outside of the nostril, there.
Derek:
…bit dried out. Unlike Weetabix which gets soggy after fucking no time.
Clive:
But, anyway, I pulled and I pulled, you know,…
Derek:
Yeah-h-h.
Clive:
…I was getting a good length going…
Derek:
Ohh, fucking lovely, mate, I wish I…
Clive:
…and I thought I’d, erm,…
Derek:
Tch, phhwww…
Clive:
…I’d try and get right over to the light fitting on the right, you know,…
Derek:
Mmm.
Clive:
…we have a light fitting to the right of the sofa.
Derek:
That’s about ten foot away, right?
Clive:
Ten yards away.
Derek:
Ten yards away? Oh-h, I thought it was ten foot.
Clive:
But the only problem was it kept looping, you know,…
Derek:
Ohhh, yeah.
Clive:
…like, er, like fucking spaghetti, you know.
Derek:
Well, bogies do that, they loop.
Clive:
Y-, they looped.
Derek:
Mmm.
Clive:
And my fear was they’d touch the floor…
Derek:
S-
Clive:
…pick up dust and get disqualified.
Derek:
Oh, what, for sagging t-, in-, you know,…
Clive:
Yeah, you can’t afford…
Derek:
…inexoribly.
Clive:
…to let your bogey sag. And, it seemed like hours…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
…it probably was only about, erm, ten minutes.
Derek:
Well, no, fucking right, yeah.
Clive:
But I got to the wall, hung this dry bogey….
Derek:
Did you use that sticky stuff t-, to, er,…
Clive:
…on the light socket.
Derek:
…t-, to, you know, make it sure i-, make sure it was there.
Clive:
Yeah, I got a kind of plastic gummy stuff which, erm,…
Derek:
Yeah, ‘ll…
Clive:
…is very much like a bogey.
Derek:
Mmm.
Clive:
Which you can get a Woolworths. And I stuck the bogey to the-, to the wall just under the light fitting and then I – very cautiously – drew back, you know,…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
…hanging it out,…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
…er, in my wake, so to speak.
Derek:
Yeah, so of just very easily…
Clive:
Yeah.
Derek:
Well, you…
Clive:
So I had about-, about a ten yard loop of green snot, you know, between my nose and the wall and I suddenly panicked ’cause I know the Guinness Book of Records requires verification. So I called Dolly…
Derek:
Oh-h, blimey, you were…
Clive:
I said, "Dolly, get in here…
Derek:
…crafty!
Clive:
I said, "Dolly, get in here quick with the polaroid, I want a witness of this ten yard line of snot", and, er, she said, "Oh, no, I can’t, I’m busy, you know, I’m…
Derek:
Fucking stupid cow.
Clive:
…busy.
Derek:
’cause she didn’t realise…
Clive:
An’ I said-, I said-, I said, "LOOK, I’M GOING FOR THE FUCKING GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS FOR A LONG TRAIL OF SNOT, I’VE GOT TEN YARDS HERE FOR YOU TO PHOTOGRAPH AND IT’S ABOUT FUCKING TIME YOU STARTED BEHAVING LIKE A WIFE!!!" And because I got over-heated…
Derek:
Yeah,…
Clive:
…the chain bro-…
Derek:
…she suddenly got interested.
Clive:
No, no, no,…
Derek:
No?
Clive:
…the chain broke.
Derek:
Oh, FUCK!!
Clive:
So, by the time she got in with the polaroid…
Derek:
What a cunt.
Clive:
…all I had was a long line of…
Derek:
Oh, don’t tell me, re-
Clive:
…snot on the floor.
Derek:
Oh, FUCK HER! FUCKING CUNT!! HOW DARE SHE DO THAT TO YOU? MY MATE! FUCKING DESTROYING YOUR-, YOUR BOGEY LIKE THAT!
Clive:
Shall I-, shall I tell-, shall I tell you-
Derek:
OH, FUCKING SLAG!
Clive:
SHALL I TELL YOU WHAT I DID? SHALL I TELL YOU WHAT I DID?
Derek:
Ohh… go on.
Clive:
I said, "Dolly,…
Derek:
Yeah, f-
Clive:
…you’ve tested me in the past,"…
Derek:
Oh, fuck her.
Clive:
…I said, "we’ve been married fourteen years…
Derek:
Right.
Clive:
…and you’ve tried a number of things. I was about to get into the Guinness Book of Records for the longest yardage of snot….
Derek:
Phhwww!
Clive:
…between one nostril and the wall, and you let me down. And shall I tell you what I’m going to do NOW? I’M GONNA GET THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS TO RECOGNISE ME…
Derek:
(laughs)
Clive:
…AS THE NUMBER ONE CUNT KICKER-IN IN THE WORLD!!" AND I SPREAD HER LEGS APART AND I PUT MY HUGE GREAT NAILED SHOES ON AND I KICKED HER! AND I KICKED HER IN THE CUNT FOR HALF A FUCKING HOUR ‘TIL I WAS EXHAUSTED! AND THEN I SAID, "DOLLY! WILL YOU GET A POLAROID OF THAT?!" And the cunt wouldn’t even get up!
Derek:
What a CUNT!