Derek and Clive – The Critics

From the album ‘Ad Nauseam‘ (1978).

Clive:
What-, what-, what-, what-, what-, what-, what-, what-, what one has to wonder, i-i-i-is why, artists th-he calibre of Cook and Moore…
Derek:
Yes.
Clive:
…should resort to material which, er, basically could be done by, erm, er,…
Derek:
By me?
Clive:
By you!
Derek:
Yes.
Clive:
Yes, and I-, I mean, I don’t know if you saw the play the other night on television, "No Man’s Land", by Harold Pinter,
Derek:
Yes, yes I did, yes, yes.
Clive:
Now Pinter uses these words, these-, I-, I suppose to the general public, shocking words,…
Derek:
Yes, yes, of course.
Clive:
…but he uses them to effect.
Derek:
To, yes, to punctuate his, his, his, his, his…
Clive:
He punctuates his dialogue.
Derek:
…his drama, yes, yes.
Clive:
And when he uses the word "arsehole"…
Derek:
God!
Clive:
…it means something.
Derek:
Exactly.
Clive:
And, er, "prick"…
Derek:
Yes.
Clive:
…and "cunt"
Derek:
Yes.
Clive:
Take on this sort of, erm, er-r…
Derek:
Well, metaphysical sort of, er-r-r…
Clive:
…metaphysical punctuation which I-, I find absolutely delightful.
Derek:
Become almost sounds.
Clive:
Especially with, er, Geilgud and, erm, Richardson, who is so…
Derek:
Of course, erm.
Clive:
…so absolutely terrific. But, um,…
Derek:
Mmm, yes, I mean, "arsehole" i-i-in-in Richarson’s mouth is-, it comes out as, er, erm,…
Clive:
Er, pure gold.
Derek:
Pure gold.
Clive:
But, erm, when Cook and Moore, I mean, ah, it’s not the same. I mean,… "prick" in the hands of Pinter is-, is, erm, as you say, a punctuation point, er, er-r-r,…
Derek:
Yes, an epithet.
Clive:
…a marvellous moment…
Derek:
Yes.
Clive:
…the end of an extremely witty line.
Derek:
Yes.
Clive:
Whereas, er-r-r, a "prick" or a "cunt" in the hands of Cook and Moore, it’s just a gratuitous "prick" or "cunt".
Derek:
One feels it’s being abused in some way.
Clive:
It-, it is being abused,…
Derek:
It’s-, it’s being, I-, I-, er,…
Clive:
…and I myself, I-, I cannot see why, in the civilised world, it is necessary for people with a certain amount of, um, understanding…
Derek:
Yes.
Clive:
…having been to university, to use the word "prick" or "fuck" or…
Derek:
"Cunt"
Clive:
…"cunt". I mean, I-, I never have the slightest urge…
Derek:
Why-, why’d you not accept…
Clive:
…to use the word "fuck", do you?
Derek:
I mean, why’d I-, no.
Clive:
Do you ever say "fuck"?
Derek:
I never say "fuck".
Clive:
No,…
Derek:
‘ere, I mean I would rather say…
Clive:
…I mean, why the fuck should I say "fuck"?
Derek:
Exactly.
Clive:
I-, I’ve got no reason for saying "fuck".
Derek:
I’d rather say "carpet" than "fuck".
Clive:
No fucking reason to say "fuck".
Derek:
Exactly. Who the fuck cares about "fuck"?
Clive:
It’s absolutely fucking stupid to say "fuck". I mean, w-…
Derek:
Exactly. I mean…
Clive:
…what could be more stupid, than going around, the whole time saying "fuck" and "cunt" and "prick" and "arsehole"…
Derek:
(struggling to interrupt) Exactly. It’s just…
Clive:
…"tit" and "bum", "shit", it’s just stupid.
Derek:
Exactly. I mean, i-i-…
Clive:
I mean, I’m not going to go: "FUCKING ‘ELL!! Shit! Tit! Bum! Arsehole!", because I don’t need to.
Derek:
(laughing) Of course you’re not going to. It’s…
Clive:
What is the point?
Derek:
Exactly! What is the point?
Clive:
What is the point of saying: "Fuck! Shit! Tit! Bum! Arsehole!"
Derek:
"Cunt! Arsehole! Shit! Tit-lickers!"
Clive:
"Cunt! Arsehole! Tit! Tit! Tit!"
Derek:
"Bum! Tit! Bra!"
Clive:
"Cut your tits off! Fuck! Tit! Bum! Shit!" No!
Derek:
"Fuck! Cunt! Oh shit! Arsehole! Cunt! Fuck! Oh clitoris! Oh shit! Bum! Arse! Cunt! Tit! Fat arse! Cunt! Tit-lick-hole!"
Clive:
There is absolutely no point in saying: "Fuck! Tit! Shit! Bum! Arsehole!"
Derek:
"Oh fucking arsehole! Shit! Bum! Tit! Penis! Arsehole! Fuck! Oh Cunt! Shit! Oh Fuck! Shit!"
Clive:
"CUNT! PRICK! FUCK! COCK! PENIS! CUNT! SHIT! FUCK! PRICK! CUNT! ARSEHOLE! TIT! BUMHOLE! SHIT! ARSEHOLE! BUM! TIT! BUMHOLE! CUNT! SHIT!"
Derek:
Who the fuck wants to say: "Shit! Fuck! Cunt! D’ya fuck! Shit! Sick! Fuck-hole! Shit! Vomit! Cunt! Fuck! Arsesole! Fuck! Cunt! Oh, jam-rag, toe-rag,…
Clive:
There is absolutely…
Derek:
…fuck-arse, the old fart, snot, bum!"
Clive:
…no point whatsoever.
Derek:
"Oh, earwax, cunt, fart, arseholes, dandruff!"
Clive:
There is no-, no,…
Derek:
"Oh, ear-smegma, shit, arse, fuck, bogies!"
Clive:
…there is no point whatsoever in using these…
Derek:
"Oh, buggers-up, tit, arsehole, cunt, fuck, filling!"
Clive:
…stupid words for shock effect.
Derek:
"Oh, cavity, arsehole, bum, orifice, cunt, shove it up your arse, bum, cunt, arse, sick!"
Clive:
And there I’m afraid we have to leave, um,…
Derek:
Who the fuck wants to say: "Shit! Arse! Cunt! Tear your tits off, oh, put them in the mangle,…
Clive:
…Critics Forum.
Derek:
…stuff your bollocks up your arse!"
Clive:
I’ll be here together with Sir George Makepeace…
Derek:
Oh, who wants to say: "Glad-mushrooms, I like that, urethra catheterised up your enema asks-, says, ‘how far passed the arsehole?’"
Clive:
Sir-, Sir George Makepeace and I will be here again for…
Derek:
"Oh, tit, brum-, brear-, bra, brew-jug, fuck, cunt, tit!"
Clive:
…Critics Choice…
Derek:
"Oh, shit-a-dee-bum-soo!"
Clive:
…at the same time next Sunday…
Derek:
"Oh, fuck-a-dee-arse-an-ah-ma-fadoo!"
Clive:
…at six o’clock.
Derek:
"Oh, put your foreskin over your head, fart up your bum, who pulls a cunt!"
Clive:
I mean, when I want to say, "Fuck!", I don’t want to say, "Radiator!"
Derek:
I don’t want to say all of that!
Clive:
I don’t want to say, "Radiator!"
Derek:
Why’d I want to say all of the things that I’ve just said?
Clive:
Do you want to say, "Radiator!"?
Derek:
No, I fucking DON’T!! I DO NOT WANT TO SAY ALL OF THE THINGS THAT I HAVE JUST FUCKING SAID.