I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue -
11th June 2007 broadcast

The Venue:

London Coliseum, London, England

The Chairman:

Humphrey Lyttelton

The Players:

Barry Cryer  &  Graeme Garden
     -vs-
Tim Brooke-Taylor  &  Stephen Fry

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Right, it's now time to play the game called Mornington Crescent. (audience cheer)

First I notice from the huge number of cards that arrived this week, that those warnings to post early for Christmas are finally paying off, and we've received a letter from a Mrs Trellis of North Wales. (audience cheer)

She writes:

Dear Mr Ronaldo, you must have been bowled over by your Player of the Year Trophy ..... even though it clearly never touched you. Kind regards, Mrs Trellis.

OK, on with the game, teams, and today you'll be pitting your wits against a computer as we've been offered the chance to road-test the latest, most sophisticated Mornington Crescent software yet to emerge from Silicon Valley. Her name is Elektra and she's-, and she's currently running Mortimer's Variation Version 3.

BARRY CRYER:

Variation 3?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Version 3.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Version 3.

BARRY CRYER:

Version 3.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Version 3.

BARRY CRYER:

There is a Variation .....

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

It's Mortimer's Variation Version 3.

BARRY CRYER:

Variation Version 3.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Yes, I know it's difficult, Barry, cause they-, both words begin with 'V'. But that's what it's ..... oh, start, somebody.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Shall I, um ..... ?

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Tim! Tim.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Shall I-, shall I start the software, Humph? (sound of Microsoft Windows starting) Holburn Viaduct.

BARRY CRYER:

Oh, ooh, err, Rotherhithe.

STEPHEN FRY:

Parsons Green.

GRAEME GARDEN:

That's good, isn't it? Parsons Green

BARRY CRYER:

Yeah.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Ummm, Pic-, Piccadilly.

ELEKTRA:

Buckingham Palace Road.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Um, Ravenscourt Park.

BARRY CRYER:

Yeah, ohh, ah, bup-bup-dup-a-dup, Totteridge. (lone clap)

STEPHEN FRY:

Yes, and, um, West Hampstead. (audience applause)

GRAEME GARDEN:

West Hampstead? Oh .....

ELEKTRA:

Is it my go?

GRAEME GARDEN:

No, no ..... no ..... not yet.

ELEKTRA:

Sorry, I shouldn't have said that.

GRAEME GARDEN:

No, it's all right, it's all right, it's your go in a minute. Umm, er, yes, er, Totteridge and Whetstone.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Ah.

BARRY CRYER:

Oh, nice, nice one.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah, yeah. Now it's-, it's your go.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Go on, go on.

ELEKTRA:

Hang on, I'm thinking. Tottenham Court Road.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Tottenham Court Road? Ohhhh! Damn that-, that is actually a smart mov-

ELEKTRA:

Don't patronise me.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Sorry.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Is it me?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yes.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yes, I think it is. It sounds like me. Cheapside.

STEPHEN FRY:

That's you, that's very you, that, Cheapside.

BARRY CRYER:

Hackney Central.

ELEKTRA:

I invoke Mortimer's Shift and Pass to Camden Parkway.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Arrghh.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

You little bitch! She can-

GRAEME GARDEN:

Damn! Yeah, that's Mort-, well, she's done a Mortimer, whose-, wh-, who-, who follows that?

STEPHEN FRY:

Oh, Gospel Oak.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yeah, good. Excellent! Now that's-

GRAEME GARDEN:

Stephen's!

STEPHEN FRY:

Yep.

ELEKTRA:

You're so clever, Stephen. Stevie Baby! Stephen, we computers have always seen you as one of us. My Stevie Weevie.

STEPHEN FRY:

Oooohh, I feel the same way. If only you weren't Windows, if you were a Mac, God!

GRAEME GARDEN:

It's my-, it's my-

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Dirty-

GRAEME GARDEN:

A dirty Mac, yeah.

STEPHEN FRY:

Aahhhh!

GRAEME GARDEN:

Ah, OK, ermm, London Bridge.

STEPHEN FRY:

(sharp intake of air)

BARRY CRYER:

Oh, ohh, ohh, ohh.

ELEKTRA:

You bastard. Forest Gate. Forest Gate.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Forest Gate.

STEPHEN FRY:

Forest Gate. That's to Barry. Is it to Barry or Tim?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

No, it's me.

STEPHEN FRY:

Oh, it's Tim.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yeah. Bromley-by-Bow.

BARRY CRYER:

Cannon Street.

STEPHEN FRY:

Errrr, so that takes me-

ELEKTRA:

Oh, look. Isn't that Barry Cryer? I've not previously seen him in colour.

STEPHEN FRY:

Ahhh, I've got to go to Dollis Hill.

ELEKTRA:

You're so clever, Stephen.

STEPHEN FRY:

Oh, stop!

ELEKTRA:

My Stevie Weevie.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Um, Clapham Common.

ELEKTRA:

Mor-, Morn-, Morning-, Morning- Shepherd's Bush

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Ah! Ha-ha, Platt's Lane.

STEPHEN FRY:

Platt's Lane?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Platt's Lane.

BARRY CRYER:

Platt's Lane?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Yup.

BARRY CRYER:

Ohhh, Finchley Road and Frognall.

ELEKTRA:

Knight to Bishop Four.

STEPHEN FRY:

Did you spill water on her or something? It's, um, Barons Court.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Earl's Court!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Mornington Crescent! (audience cheer)

STEPHEN FRY:

They'll never beat us. Not machines, no.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

No.

STEPHEN FRY:

Never.

ELEKTRA:

Stevie Baby!

The pattern of play:

Strategic points of interest:

• Tim Brooke-Taylor opens up on Holborn Viaduct;
• Play progresses for five moves south of the viaduct to Ravenscourt Park;
• Barry Cryer plays to Totteridge, the first of five diagonals between west and north;
• Barry Cryer's uncertainty over the game version exposes him as he moves to Hackney Central;
• Elektra immediately invokes Mortimer's Shift to Camden Parkway - almost Mornington Crescent;
• With calm authority, Stephen Fry eases play out to Gospel Oak;
• Graeme Garden nullifies the invocation effect with a sublime move to London Bridge;
• Final exchanges include a Tim Brooke-Taylor favourite move to Platt's Lane;
• Tim Brooke-Taylor declares Mornington Crescent.