I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue -
25th June 2007 broadcast

The Venue:

Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff, Wales

The Chairman:

Humphrey Lyttelton

The Players:

Barry Cryer  &  Graeme Garden
     -vs-
Tim Brooke-Taylor  &  Rob Brydon

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

It's now time to play the game called Mornington Crescent. (audience cheer)

But first-, first I notice from the fat load of correspondents in the postroom that overweight listeners are turning up in person, and that we've received this postcard from a Mrs Trellis of North Wales. (audience cheer)

She writes:

Dear Mr Naughtie, How are you? Sorry, that's all we have time for. Yours, with the weather, Mrs Trellis.

Now this week we will be playing the Welsh version of the game, Morganstown Crescent, which extends from the Severn Bridge as far as Anglesey. Interestingly, this version completely ignores Reynolds's Standard Opening and there's no such thing as a lateral shift in the Welsh game, if you can imagine such a thing. Now to reduce Rob's obvious advantage here, the teams will be competing against our computer. Tim, you can start. (sound of Microsoft Windows starting)

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Um, Caerphilly.

BARRY CRYER:

That's Reynolds, isn't it?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Mmm.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

No, not in Wales.

BARRY CRYER:

Oh, sorry.

GRAEME GARDEN:

And there's no lateral shift.

BARRY CRYER:

Oh, sorry.

GRAEME GARDEN:

So that does-, it doesn't count as Reynolds if that's .....

BARRY CRYER:

Um, Lampeter.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Oh, that's good.

ROB BRYDON:

Port Talbot.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Mmm. Port Talbot? Gosh. Ermmm ..... oh, I couldn't do a lateral to-, to .....

BARRY CRYER:

No, it's too early.

GRAEME GARDEN:

..... to Bangor, then, could-? Yeah, no I could.

BARRY CRYER:

What?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Could go Bangor.

BARRY CRYER:

Well ..... go for it, I'm s-.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Do you think? Bangor, then

BARRY CRYER:

Oh, that's-, that's all right.

ELEKTRA:

Welshpool.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Ahh, Newport.

BARRY CRYER:

Ooh, ooh, ohh.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

It's-,It's actually-, that's not Reynolds' Standard, is it?

BARRY CRYER:

Ooooohhh.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

But it works, though, it works.

ELEKTRA:

Have you never played this before?

BARRY CRYER:

Yes, I have! Yes! Oh! Abergavenny!

GRAEME GARDEN:

Oh, that's good, yep, yep.

ROB BRYDON:

I'll go crossway seven and say Llanberis.

BARRY CRYER:

Oh, boy.

ELEKTRA:

Rob. I can't believe you did that. You idiot.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yes. Yeah, that throws it wide open to-, erm, it's as good as a lateral shift bacause that gives me Aberystwyth, doesn't it?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

That's it.

ELEKTRA:

Pontypridd.

ROB BRYDON:

She knows her onions.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Errm, so I go sort of, erm, Rhyl.

ELEKTRA:

Careful. You nearly said something with a vowel.

BARRY CRYER:

Caernarfon.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yes.

ROB BRYDON:

Neath. Let's speed things up. Neath.

ELEKTRA:

Taxi for Mr. Brydon.

ROB BRYDON:

I'm trying to shake things up a bit. Neath.

ELEKTRA:

He's no Tom Jones, is he?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Oh, right. Erm, Abergele. That's the only thing I can go, then.

BARRY CRYER:

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

GRAEME GARDEN:

I've got to go for it.

ELEKTRA:

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. Boyo.

ROB BRYDON:

Baglan.

GRAEME GARDEN:

What?

BARRY CRYER:

What?

ROB BRYDON:

Baglan! (lone audience cheer)

ELEKTRA:

Rob. Are you not from around here? It's Tim I feel sorry for.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Who's turn is it?

GRAEME GARDEN:

It's mine, it's mine.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

It's Graeme's.

GRAEME GARDEN:

It's-, it's-, it's got to be Ebbw Vale.

ELEKTRA:

Look you.

ROB BRYDON:

Swansea?

GRAEME GARDEN:

That's railroaded them. Swan-?

ROB BRYDON:

Swansea's allowed, isn't it?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Swansea? Why are you-, why are you following me? I've told you not to do that.

ROB BRYDON:

You said if I kept a certain distance it was OK.

GRAEME GARDEN:

The court said that, yes.

ELEKTRA:

Sloe black, slow, black, crow black fishing boat-bobbing ..... Milford Haven.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Llanelli?

BARRY CRYER:

Aberaeron.

ROB BRYDON:

Morganstown Crescent. (audience cheer)

GRAEME GARDEN:

Ohhh.

BARRY CRYER:

Ohhh.

ELEKTRA:

I'm wasted on you losers.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

I've noticed I've come out with odd socks on. They're shaped like underpants.

The pattern of play:

Strategic points of interest:

• Tim Brooke-Taylor starts at Caerphilly;
• Opening exchanges switch along northeast-southwest diagonals;
• Tim Brooke-Taylor plays equivalent to Reynolds, starting the second exchanges from Newport;
• Graeme Garden exploits Rob Brydon's Llanberis with a pseudo-lateral opening to Aberystwyth;
• Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch lets in Rob Brydon's swift Baglan;
• Rob Brydon's second attempted interception with Swansea is spotted and averted;
• Quick exchanges follow Milford Haven as play enters the end game;
• Rob Brydon declares Morganstown Crescent.