I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue -
3rd December 2007 broadcast

The Venue:

Manchester Opera House, Manchester, England

The Chairman:

Humphrey Lyttelton

The Players:

Barry Cryer  &  Graeme Garden
     -vs-
Tim Brooke-Taylor  &  Jeremy Hardy

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

It's now time to play the game called Mornington Crescent. (audience cheer)

But first I notice from the enormous pile of mail that the lads in the postroom have been reenacting the Battle of Agincourt, again, and that we've received this postcard from a Mrs Trellis of North Wales. (audience cheer)

She writes:

Dear Lewis, So sorry you missed out on the Formula One World Championship. First your old pal Morse dies, and now this. Yours, etc., Mrs Trellis.

Stupid old bat. OK, I'm pleased to announce that today's game is being sponsored. This week the teams will be playing for the honour of lifting the Armitage Shanks Charity Bowl. We'd like to thank our sponsors for their generosity, and to assure them that the small alterations they requested to the Standard Game are unlikely to be noticed even by our listeners. Tim, you can start.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Mile End.

BARRY CRYER:

Colindale.

JEREMY HARDY:

Umm, de-de-de-dum-deh ..... Ealing Broadway.

BARRY CRYER:

Ohh, ohh, ohh, ooohh.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yesss.

BARRY CRYER:

Oh, hold up, hold up.

GRAEME GARDEN:

No, no, no, no, it's the western approach, it's wide open there now.

BARRY CRYER:

Yes.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Barons Court short.

BARRY CRYER:

Nice.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Queensway

JEREMY HARDY:

Yeahh.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Can he do that?

BARRY CRYER:

Isle of Bogs.

JEREMY HARDY:

Erm, Leicester Squit.

GRAEME GARDEN:

I mean, th-, it-, it's normal rules, otherwise, is it? I mean, cause that would be 'backing up', normally.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Normal rules of what?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Of the game.

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

What game?

GRAEME GARDEN:

O-kay ..... erm. OK, err, well, no, it's a simple triangulation to-, to White City .....

BARRY CRYER:

Exactly.

GRAEME GARDEN:

..... get it back on an even keel, I think, and stop all this nonsense. White City!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Um, Fairplop?

BARRY CRYER:

Cheyne Walk

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Oh, good, good.

JEREMY HARDY:

Errr, Finchley Road.

BARRY CRYER:

Ohh! (lone cry of 'brilliant!')

GRAEME GARDEN:

What? Brilliant?! Sideways? Huh, huh. Piccadilly.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Vauxhall.

BARRY CRYER:

Totteridge.

JEREMY HARDY:

Whetstone.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeahhh ..... we can all do that.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Aldgate

GRAEME GARDEN:

Who spoke?

BARRY CRYER:

Who said that?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Wasn't me.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Well out of turn!

BARRY CRYER:

Went out of sequence there, didn't we?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah. That should be ..... penalised, shouldn't it, Humph?

BARRY CRYER:

Yes. Adjudication, Humph!

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Right.

BARRY CRYER:

Humph's the best chairman since Marcel Marceau.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

What happened at his funeral, er, Barry?

BARRY CRYER:

Er, they had two minutes noise.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Bank, bank. Yes.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Are you saying 'Bank' twice?

GRAEME GARDEN:

No. So good they named it twice.

BARRY CRYER:

..... twice, yes.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Bank .....

HUMPHREY LYTTELTON:

Sorry, you banked too late. Oh, sorry, wrong game.

GRAEME GARDEN:

So.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Who? Ah, Albemarle Street.

GRAEME GARDEN:

What?

BARRY CRYER:

What? That's ludicrous.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

I can't say it again. You don't lull me into repetition by saying 'what'.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Oh, right.

BARRY CRYER:

It's ludicrous, though.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Where did you say?

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR:

Albemarle .....

BARRY CRYER:

Albemarle S- .... What's that about?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Albemarle Street.

BARRY CRYER:

Oh, God.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Get out of that.

BARRY CRYER:

This is just silly.

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah.

BARRY CRYER:

Gants Hill.

JEREMY HARDY:

(In Geordie accent) It's day ten in the I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue house .....

BARRY CRYER:

Who is it?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Has Jeremy gone? Where did you go?

JEREMY HARDY:

Huh?

GRAEME GARDEN:

It's Jeremy's turn.

JEREMY HARDY:

Is it my go?

GRAEME GARDEN:

Yeah.

JEREMY HARDY:

Uhhhhh ...... errrrr ...... errrrr ......

GRAEME GARDEN:

Too late. Mornington Crescent!

The pattern of play:

Strategic points of interest:

• Tim Brooke-Taylor opens at Mile End;
• Play switches northwest, southwest, southeast, northeast along the diagonals;
• Tim Brooke-Taylor makes the only play south of the river at Vauxhall;
• Barry Cryer immediately goes Totteridge, furthest north in the game;
• Jeremy Hardy swiftly moves to Whetstone;
• Tim Brooke-Taylor's play to Albemarle Street is ludicrous;
• Barry Cryer creates a distraction at Gants Hill;
• Graeme Garden dives in to declare Morganstown Crescent.