Derek and Clive – Lady Vera Fart Teller

From the album ‘Ad Nauseam‘ (1978).

Derek:
(clears throat)
Clive:
Well, do you know that, er, Lady Vera?
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
Down, er, G-, Clitheroe Avenue, she, er, she reads people’s farts.
Derek:
Yeah, what, she lights them and then, er,…
Clive:
No, she doesn’t light them, you just go in there and bend down…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
Oh, you give her, er, 50p, you know,…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
…for a full reading.
Derek:
What, you have to pee as well as fart?
Clive:
No, you just give her 50p,…
Derek:
Oh, I th-
Clive:
…you don’t have to pee, no.
Derek:
I thought, eh, you had to f-, pee fifty times, or… ?
Clive:
No, no, no. You give her 50p and then she tells your fortune from your fart.
Derek:
Yeah?
Clive:
And, er, I went in there ab-, last Tuesday…
Derek:
Did you have a strong fart line?
Clive:
Yeah, enormous. Er, I went out about four days ago to Madame Vera ’cause, you know, I’m interested in what the future holds, and, er, she said, "Take your trousers off", which I did, naturally,…
Derek:
Yeah, well, that’s fair enough,…
Clive:
…you know, too-, took ’em off.
Derek:
…that’s fair enough.
Clive:
And she said, "Bend over, lower your knickers and, er, give us a big one", you know, ’cause she doesn’t-, she-, she can’t stand it if you just give her a little (blows quick raspberry) like that, you know.
Derek:
Yeah, well, she tells you to save up, doesn’t she, for a few days?
Clive:
Yeah, she puts you on a course of, er, highly, er,…
Derek:
Bananas. (laughs)
Clive:
…sulphurous food. Bananas and that, yeah.
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
Seafish, seafood and that kind of stuff.
Derek:
Then in the morning you don’t-, you have to take about three pound of French figs.
Clive:
That’s it!
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
French figs.
Derek:
(clears throat)
Clive:
And I farted, you know, and, er, she’s-, she was well pleased with it, she said, "That was quite a good fart", and she-, she read it and she said, er, "Er, you will, er," she said, "you will pass water."
Derek:
Oh.
Clive:
And, er, she was quite right you know, I w-, dying for a slash, and so I…
Derek:
Well, I went down there…
Clive:
…went out, had a pee and,…
Derek:
I-
Clive:
…you know, she-, she read all that.
Derek:
I went down there and, er, you know, I…
Clive:
She read your future from your farts?
Derek:
Yeah! She said…
Clive:
What did she see in your future?
Derek:
Well, I-, you know, I had-, er, I done, you know, the usual thing. I’d had about, oh, I don’t know, I had two-, about three or four dozen eggs over the last three days…
Clive:
Yeah.
Derek:
…so I was well primed. Then on the morning of the, er, actual, you know,…
Clive:
Appointment.
Derek:
…appointment…
Clive:
Yeah.
Derek:
…I-, I had, er, four pounds of figs…
Clive:
Yeah.
Derek:
…and-, (laughs) and, er, six cans…
Clive:
Chutney?
Derek:
Six cans of beans.
Clive:
Chutney?
Derek:
No, no, no chutney, no.
Clive:
Oh, she usually likes chutney, you surprise me.
Derek:
So, er, I went down there, she said, "All right then, er, er, Derek, er, take your, you know, the usual down and, er, just give me one."
Clive:
Yeah.
Derek:
So I, er, I gave her one. And, er, you know, almost immediately she said, er, "In three seconds you’re going to shit this fucking room to pieces." And she was quite right!
Clive:
You filled the room, did you?
Derek:
I filled the room up.
Clive:
It’s uncanny that, ‘int that, that power of prediction? That-
Derek:
I-, fucking hell, mate, talk about E.S.P….
Clive:
Not just E.S.P., E.S. fucking farts, mate!