Derek and Clive – Mona

From the album ‘Ad Nauseam‘ (1978).

Clive:
(as gameshow host:) All right, love, you can, um, come out of the cubicle now, erm,…
Derek:
(as Mona:) Hm-m-m-mm.
Clive:
That’s right, Mona.
Derek:
Oh-ho-o-oh.
Clive:
Now, Mona, you’re doing very well. Your husband got three out of three, that’s one hundred percent, that’s fifteen hundred pounds on the board.
Derek:
Ohh-hohh. Shi-, f-fu-
Clive:
Now, let’s see if you can get the three thousand pound jackpot.
Derek:
Mmff-ss.
Clive:
Y-, you’re not nervous, are you?
Derek:
No, it’s just my breath, that is m-, h-, I-, I’m getting a bit…
Clive:
WELL, IT’S ONLY A GAME! Don’t-, don’t-, don’t worry, Mona.
Derek:
…breathless.
Clive:
Now, Mona, Mona, Mona, if your mother-in-law came to stay unexpectedly, would your husband: one – pelt her with Rice Crispies;…
Derek:
Ohh.
Clive:
…two – beat her to death with a Goblin’s teasmaid;…
Derek:
Ohh-hh!
Clive:
…or, three – drop a basket full of vipers on her head?
Derek:
Ohh.
Clive:
Now, that’s the Rice Crispies,…
Derek:
The Rice Crispies, y-hhhh…
Clive:
…the-, the teasmaid or possibly the vipers.
Derek:
…possibly the vipers. Oh, well, I’d-, I’d-, I’d-,…
Clive:
Which one? Which one would he do?
Derek:
Hmm, I’d have-, I’d have to say, erm, he’d drop vipers.
Clive:
HE’D DROP THE VIPERS!! YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, MONA!!
Derek:
Ohh-hh-hh!!!

(sound of canned audience applause)

Clive:
Yes, he’d let the vipers loose!
Derek:
Oh!
Clive:
Mona, that’s only two to go for that magic three thousand pounds.
Derek:
Ohh.
Clive:
Now, Mona, ah, picture to yourself, you’re on the Costa Brava – that’s in Spain – it’s very hot, the sun’s beating down, you know, you’re a bit hot and you’ve forgotton your sun cream.
Derek:
Yesss.
Clive:
Now, would Len…
Derek:
Oh, but I’d never forget my sun cream.
Clive:
No, but just for the game assume you have. Now, would Len ask you to: stand with your legs apart…
Derek:
Ohhh-hh-hh-oh!!!
Clive:
…so he could lie in the shadow of your skirt;…
Derek:
Mmmmmm.
Clive:
…or, two – tie half a coconut over his nose;…
Derek:
Tch! F-
Clive:
…or, three – take off his trousers…
Derek:
Oh!
Clive:
…and put them over his head?
Derek:
Ohh.
Clive:
Now, which one is it? The coconut over the nose,…
Derek:
Coconut over the nose…
Clive:
…lie under your skirt,…
Derek:
Under skirt…
Clive:
…or take his trousers off…
Derek:
Trousers…
Clive:
…and put them over his head?
Derek:
I’d have to say… I’d have to say the coconut.
Clive:
Definitely the coconut!…
Derek:
Ohh!
Clive:
…You’re quite right,…

(sound of canned audience applause)

…that’s exactly what Len said. He’d put the coconut over his nose…

Derek:
Oh!
Clive:
…and why shouldn’t he? It’s a free country. Now, Mona, huh, I-, I desperately hope we’re going to get the jackpot this week, the three thousand…
Derek:
Oh.
Clive:
…beautiful, lovely pounds. Are you nervous, Mona?
Derek:
Well, I-, just a bit breathless.
Clive:
Just a little, just a little! Don’t worry, love, it’s only a game. Now, Mona, for three thousand pounds, if you were to get the answer to this one wrong…
Derek:
Ohhh.
Clive:
…would your husband, Len: smash you in the teeth with a croquet mallet;…
Derek:
Ohh!
Clive:
…shit himself;…
Derek:
Ohh.
Clive:
…or, shoot himself?
Derek:
(sucks in)
Clive:
That’s smash you with the croquet mallet,…
Derek:
Smash the mallet…
Clive:
…shit himself,…
Derek:
Shit himself or…
Clive:
…or shoot himself?
Derek:
…shoot himself. Uhhhh! Ohh! Errmmm…
Clive:
Come on, love.
Derek:
Ohh, I d-, oh, I’ve got to make a choice.
Clive:
I’m going to have to ask you to make a choice.
Derek:
I’d say, um, I’d say… he’d shit himself?

(immediate gun report)

Clive:
No! I’m sorry, love! He said he’d shoot himself…
Derek:
Urrrr, ff-…
Clive:
…but, never mind,…
Derek:
But, loo-
Clive:
…it’s only a game,…
Derek:
No-
Clive:
…and you’ve got some lovely prizes…
Derek:
Excuse me! He’s shit himself!
Clive:
Yes, but…
Derek:
Look!
Clive:
…he-, he-, he shat himself after he shot himself.
Derek:
No, I-, no, no, he’d always shit himself before…
Clive:
I definitely s-, I definitely saw…
Derek:
…he’d shoot himself.
Clive:
…he shot himself…
Derek:
No, he definitely-, no.
Clive:
…before he shat himself. He shat himself immediately after…
Derek:
No, please, I know my husband.
Clive:
…he shot himself.
Derek:
I know my husband.
Clive:
I’m sorry, that’s all the time for this week and, as I say,…
Derek:
Look-
Clive:
…all of you out there…
Derek:
Wh-
Clive:
…have a good time, be nice to each other,…
Derek:
What is-
Clive:
…and see you again next Sunday. SHUT UP MONA!

(sound of canned audience applause and piano)

Derek:
What-, what is that if that’s not his shit! I mean, I know his-, look, it’s fresh shit!
Clive:
He shot himself before he shat himself. Mona, love, it’s only a game.