Derek and Clive – Russia

From the album ‘Ad Nauseam‘ (1978).

Clive:
I’ll tell you one thing I can’t stand…
Derek:
Tell me.
Clive:
…about Russia, is the dead bodies in your hotel room.
Derek:
Oh, blimey, yeah.
Clive:
’cause I booked into a second class hotel, you know, second class hotel,…
Derek:
Mmm.
Clive:
…two stars, and, er, I asked, er, room service, erm, tch, you know, for a light meal ’cause I was going sight-seeing the next morning.
Derek:
Mmmm.
Clive:
And I said, "I’d like some chips and a-, you know, a steak medium-rare and a banana fritter", you know.
Derek:
Mmm.
Clive:
And, er, this bloke come up to the room and, frankly, it wasn’t what I ordered. He brought up, er, three thousand dissidents…
Derek:
Oh, w-, blimey.
Clive:
…with their testicles attached to electrodes.
Derek:
Tss!
Clive:
And I said, "Call this fucking room service? ‘s not room service," I said, "I asked for chips, steak…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
…and banana fritters…
Derek:
Right.
Clive:
…I get three thousand fucking dissidents on a tray."
Derek:
Yeah, cunts. What are they trying to pull, eh?
Clive:
Well, I-
Derek:
They think we’re cunts!
Clive:
I said, "If you’re expecting a tip, mate, if you’re expecting a tip…
Derek:
Go to fucking…
Clive:
…you can get the fuck out of my hotel room."
Derek:
Yeah, yeah.
Clive:
Anyway, they just dumped ’em down on the-, on the-,…
Derek:
W-
Clive:
…on the floor.
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
All these dissid-, I got talking to them, some nice blokes, actually.
Derek:
Yeah?
CLIVE:
Err, Sergei… er… Walankov. Sergei Walankov.
Derek:
Ohhh, Wankoff, yes.
Clive:
Walankov. He wrote some poetry, he wrote, erm, a poem saying, er:

The Soviet Union is a khasi
Mister Brezhnev is a cunt
And, er, I want my freedom

you see…

Derek:
Ye-ah.
Clive:
And he published that in a dissident newspaper.
Derek:
I’d rather be room service than in prison.
Clive:
But I’ll say one thing for Russia. The-, the health service is tremendous.
Derek:
Oh, yeah.
Clive:
As soon as you’re ill they kill you.
Derek:
Yeah?
Clive:
Yeah. Oh, there’s no fucking about with cures.
Derek:
Hu-heah, well they’ve got the right idea, haven’t they?