Derek and Clive – Sex Manual

From the album ‘Ad Nauseam‘ (1978).

Clive:
If we settled down to do a book, you know, properly researched…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
…about how to…
Derek:
Fuck a girl, and that.
Clive:
No, you can’t say, “How To Fuck-“, well, you just said it but, I mean, it’s ‘How To Make Love To A Woman’ is what we’re talking about.
Derek:
Well, it could be, or ‘How To F-‘,…
Clive:
Yeah, or b-, Ye-, I take your p-, “How To Fuck A Girl”.
Derek:
…yeah, “Fuck A Girl”.
Clive:
“Fuck A Girl”, yeah. ‘How to get your fucking knob up some cunt’.
Derek:
Right, right.
Clive:
‘How to pull the fuckers’.
Derek:
Right, O.K., so you ought to-, you ought to start off with a chapter on how to pull the birds and then how to get your fingers in their drawers.
Clive:
Well, do we start-, do we start with how to pull the birds or how to avoid the clap?
Derek:
Well, you’ve got to pull them before you avoid it.
Clive:
Yeah, right,…
Derek:
Don’t you? Yeah, right.
Clive:
…that’s the way, that’s the way to-
Derek:
Right.
Clive:
Do you mind if I take notes?
Derek:
No, I think it’d be good, you know, if you take a few notes.
Clive:
I-, I’d also like to masturbate during the conversation ’cause…
Derek:
Well, yeah, right, yeah.
Clive:
…when I’m talking about sex I get…
Derek:
Get the right…
Clive:
…a fucking hard-on, you know.
Derek:
Yeah, me too, I get a bit of a stalk.
Clive:
Fucking raunchy. You feel like putting your fingers round your knob and getting the whole thing moving, you know.
Derek:
I like m- (laughs)
Clive:
No, carry on, Derek.(pause)

Now, first things first,…

Derek:
Oh, hold on, you’re getting me going now. Fuc- (sound of rummaging followed by laughing)
Clive:
I don’t know why you carry toffees in your pockets.
Derek:
No, I’ve got all this gum round my knob.
Clive:
Oh, I see. No, no, let’s-, let’s-, let’s delve into the subject briefly.
Derek:
(rummaging and moaning) Ohh fuck.
Clive:
L-, let-, let’s say, for example,…
Derek:
Hold on. Ohhhh fuck!
Clive:
Let’s say, for example,…
Derek:
Ohh!!
Clive:
…you’ve met this…
Derek:
Urghh!! (laughs) Urraagh!!
Clive:
You’ve met-, you’ve-
Derek:
HOLD ON!!
Clive:
No, no,…
Derek:
AARGH!!
Clive:
…WE’RE TRYING TO DO RESEARCH HERE!
Derek:
Nnng-ah! AAAARRRGGGHH!!!
Clive:
You’re never going to get women…
Derek:
GGHH-EHH!!
Clive:
…just sitting in a bar…
Derek:
GGRRRGGHHH!!
Clive:
…wanking.
Derek:
BRRRGGHH! Ohh, fucking hell!
Clive:
Now can we have a sens-…
Derek:
No, I don’t want a-, ahh,…
Clive:
Can we have a sensible discussion? You’re in this bar, you see, and there’s this bird you fancy…
Derek:
Right, yeah.
Clive:
…and…
Derek:
Ohh, I’m exhausted.
Clive:
…the best thing you can do to appeal to her is…
Derek:
Is get your knob out, put it in her hand and cry.
Clive:
That’s one method. That’s mainly used by Jesuits.
Derek:
Right.
Clive:
But a sophisticated man of the Western world understands that a woman is a sensitive little fucker and, er,…
Derek:
(clears throat)
Clive:
…so have to, you know, come on with a bit of chat like, erm,…
Derek:
“Do you fuck?”
Clive:
One approach. S-
Derek:
“Do you suck cock?”
Clive:
Another approach.
Derek:
And approach ‘C’?
Clive:
Approach ‘C’ is, like, saying, “Oh! Don’t tell me! You’re…
Derek:
A cock-sucker.
Clive:
…a Virgo.”
Derek:
Oh, right, right.
Clive:
Star sign.
Derek:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Clive:
That’s always good.
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
’cause if you get it right they’re very impressed…
Derek:
Right.
Clive:
…and if-, if you get it wrong they don’t give a shit, you know,…
Derek:
Right.
Clive:
…’cause, basically, women are there to grab hold of your knob, aren’t they?
Derek:
That’s right, yeah.
Clive:
There you are,…
Derek:
In the-, in the-, in the…
Clive:
…knob in hand,…
Derek:
Right, crying.
Clive:
…crying, how do you a-, arouse the woman?
Derek:
Well, right, you-…
Clive:
I mean, I don’t mean wake her up.
Derek:
No, no, no, no, well,…
Clive:
I mean arouse her.
Derek:
…being in the pub you’re laughing. You get a beer bottle, shove it straight up her fucking cunt…
Clive:
Now, there’s been, er, a great deal of, um, er, controversy surrounding clits.
Derek:
Yeah, where is the clit? I think this has to be pointed out to the-…
Clive:
Well, I think-
Derek:
…the ordinary man, it is…
Clive:
The ordinary man in the street does not know where the fucking clit is.
Derek:
It is under the left arm.
Clive:
This is what I thought, this is what the experts have all diagnosed,…
Derek:
Right.
Clive:
…but a lot of foolish i-, not foolish – people who’ve been deprived of education -…
Derek:
Right.
Clive:
…think the clit is stuck somewhere up the vag.
Derek:
Right.
Clive:
Right.
Derek:
This is…
Clive:
They could not be further from the truth,…
Derek:
Right.
Clive:
…they could not be further from the clit!
Derek:
Right. And…
Clive:
The clit is under the left arm…
Derek:
Right.
Clive:
…unless the woman is right-handed.
Derek:
In which case it’s under her…
Clive:
Right arm.
Derek:
…right arm, yeah. Er, and…
Clive:
If she’s one-armed?
Derek:
If she’s one-armed then, er,…
Clive:
It’s under whichever arm she has.
Derek:
She has. If she’s got no arms at all?
Clive:
It’s under her legs…
Derek:
Exactly.
Clive:
…stuck up her vag. She’s a cripple.
Derek:
Right. Anybody who has a clit up the vag is severely deformed, I think people have to realise that.
Clive:
But, yeah, another distinction comes in, and that it how to differentiate between a clit and pile.
Derek:
Right.
Clive:
Now the pile is-, is usually associated with the, erm, the armpit, is it not?
Derek:
Yes, right.
Clive:
You get this protuberance which is highly excitable and bleeds easy, especially if you shit from the armpits.
Derek:
Right.
Clive:
Which I think is a mistake.
Derek:
(laughs)
Clive:
I think you should use your arsehole for shitting, your armpits for scratching.
Derek:
Right.
Clive:
But this is a free country, we’re not all devout Muslims, and, er, therefore, never shake a right-handed woman with your nose.
Derek:
Right, right.
Clive:
So, they’re about to-, well, let’s assume this is a sophisticated setting, they’ve got a bed.
Derek:
Right.
Clive:
They’re about to go to bed. Now what should the man-, erm, what should the man do in-, in the way of, er, a-…
Derek:
Arousal.
Clive:
…arous-, arousal, er,…
Derek:
Err…
Clive:
…to-, to-, to get the woman…
Derek:
Well,…
Clive:
…into a thoroughly lubricated state so he doesn’t have to scrape his fucking cock off on some granite cliff up there.
Derek:
Right. Well, of course,…
Clive:
S-
Derek:
…the sophisticated man…
Clive:
Spits up her cunt. Now, you’re i-, you’re in this position where you’ve just had the daughter, right?
Derek:
Right.
Clive:
Now, does the sophisticate go on to fuck the mother, or does he call it day, or-… what does he do? This is what I think we want to know.
Derek:
Yeah. No, I think he tries to go through the whole family.
Clive:
Yeah.
Derek:
Like, mother, father, sister, baby, dog, budgie,…
Clive:
Budgie in particular. Now, a lot of people have hang-ups about fucking birds…
Derek and Clive:
…but!…
Clive:
…what have the fucking birds done for us?
Derek:
Fuck all.
Clive:
Nothing.
Derek:
Right.
Clive:
There should be no-…
Derek:
Might as well fuck ’em.
Clive:
There should be no guilt associated…
Derek:
Right.
Clive:
…with giving a budgie a bit of seed and then fucking it.
Derek:
Right.
Clive:
In fact…
Derek:
Giving it the seed while fucking it.
Clive:
Don’t-, don’t give it seed, just fuck the budgie!
Derek:
Right, just fuck it.
Clive:
Now – as a scientist – goldfish.
Derek:
Yes.
Clive:
As a scientist, how do goldfish rate on the, erm,…
Derek:
On the fucking scale?
Clive:
…on the fucking scale.
Derek:
Well, they’re-, you’ve got to get a pretty big one to get him round the end of your knob.
Clive:
Yeah.
Derek:
You know, ’cause their cunts are like fucking pinheads.
Clive:
Yeah.
Derek:
And, er, the trouble is you-, you know, you generally squash ’em when you start fucking a goldfish. Err, but the family dog, the budgie, they’re all good, er, grist to the-, to the mill. Er, I think another thing that has to be cleared up is the precautions you have to take before you, er, you fuck a b-, woman, because there’s a great danger… (laughs)
Clive:
Th-
Derek:
There’s a great danger…
Clive:
That you’ll get pregnant.
Derek:
No. Well, that…
Clive:
(lights cigarette)
Derek:
…we’ll come to that later. No, there’s a great danger you’ll have your knob chopped off by all the teeth they’ve got up their cunt.
CLIVE:
Well, I heard this, er, in-, in-, in-, in the Greek myths again, there was the-, er, the goddess Arethusa, wasn’t there?
Derek:
Right.
Clive:
Who had these fucking false teeth up her cunt…
Derek:
Well, she’d lost hers so she had to put false ones in.
Clive:
She was a-, she was a siren, wasn’t she?
Derek:
Yeah, right.
Clive:
Or an alarm system of some kind.
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
And she used to lure sailors off their boats and they’d disappear right up her cunt and get stuck there…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
…and gnashed to death with false teeth. But! What does a man do confronted by these dentures in the cunt? Does he wear some sort of protective, er, device?
Derek:
Yeah, he certainly d-
Clive:
Like-, like-, I-I think-,…
Derek:
Well, f-
Clive:
…I think, no, I-, I think…
Derek:
The thing that…
Clive:
…the av-, the average man, Derek, Der-, hold with me. The average man is best off putting a boxing glove over his, er,…
Derek:
Well, I go fur-…
Clive:
…his knob.
Derek:
I go further than that, Clive, I think he should put a fire extinguisher over the end of his knob, then bung it up, and he’s laughing.
Clive:
Yeah.
Derek:
’cause…
Clive:
Because what you lose in-, in, er, sensua-, -uality…
Derek:
In sensitivity.
Clive:
…in sensitivity…
Derek:
You gain in…
Clive:
…you gain in protection.