Derek and Clive – Coughin’ Contest

From the album ‘Come Again‘ (1977).

Clive:
We are now attending the…
Derek:
(giggles)
Clive:
… the World Championship Coughing match in, in, in Zurich, between the defending Champion Derek, um, can’t mention his second name ’cause he’s a subject of litigation at the moment, and Clive thingamebob who’s similarly… on a charge of fucking a fireplace. But, ah…
Derek:
(laughs)
Clive:
The flag is about to go up, and the flag is about to come down and the gun goes off…
Derek:
(blows short raspberry)
Clive:
And the World Coughing Championship takes place, the favourite, Derek, to lead off with a cough. And tension mounts, as indeed does Derek…
Derek:
(begins a loud hacking cough)
Clive:
We… and that’s… this is the first cough. It’s a very, very, very good cough but not up, not up to his championship…
Derek:
(redoubles his coughing effort)
Clive:
But no! He’s continuing more than he’s ever…
Derek:
(finishes coughing)
Clive:
… he’s awarded, let’s see, um, eight-three, eight-three, eight-five and eight-seven for a very good score for a first cough. And now Clive is-, is ready for the big cough…
Derek:
(clears his throat)
Clive:
And Derek coughs off-stage so it’s instant disqualification for Derek as Clive begins the slow wind-up to the big cough. And – he’s ready to cough. Takes one last drag of the cigarette…
Derek:
(belches) Ohhh…
Clive:
Shouts his traditional cry of… CANCER!!! He begins to cough…

(begins forcing a long, excruciatingly breathless rasping cough, occasionally gagging; other coughing can be heard in the background)

Derek:
The audience is joining in now, leading him on to greater heights.
Clive:
(continues rasping and gagging)
Derek:
This is an enormous cough! The audience is joining in – they’re on their feet, coughing their hearts out.
Clive:
(chokes every last pocket of air from his lungs)
Derek:
(adds a farting sound)
Clive:
A gallant show, and the judges flags go up. And the marks come up, and it’s a superb nine-five, nine-four, nine-five, nine-six, for a superlative total for Clive.
Derek:
You cunt.
Clive:
That ends Radio Three broadcasts for this evening. Next there will be a programme on false teeth for the blind, delivered by the deaf, and for those of you who are hard of hearing… LISTEN!!!