Derek and Clive – Films

From the album ‘Come Again‘ (1977).

Derek:
Oh, er,… "Count Yorga, Vampire Shit Sucker", you’ve seen that film, have you?
Clive:
Yeah, I enjoyed that, ’cause, er, when Yorga comes in and, er, is confronted by the, you know, enraged arsehole…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
…of, er, well, you know, the actor we can’t name… the way he gets his gob round that arsehole…
Derek:
Mmm.
Clive:
…is incredible. I don’t know what special effects they had o-, if any at all. Was that special effects or was that for real?
Derek:
No, no, that was for real.
Clive:
That was for real.
Derek:
They got a bloke in who, er, is particularly good at sucking shit.
Clive:
Ah, yeah. Who’s that?
Derek:
Errrr-
Clive:
George Riddles?
Derek:
‘s Norman.
Clive:
Oh, Norman!
Derek:
Norman who did-
Clive:
Norman.
Derek:
You know-
Clive:
Norman did that!
Derek:
Yeah
Clive:
Yeah, ‘course he done that, he does…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
…all the shit sucking jobs, doesn’t he?
Derek:
He’s got-, he’s really got the, er, he’s got the market cornered on that. Shit sucking.
Clive:
Must be nice to know that, you know, whenever there’s going to be a movie made in which tons of shit are going to pour out of somebody’s arsehole, you’re in-, you’re in there, you know,…
Derek:
You’re right in there.
Clive:
You’re right in there.
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
He, he slept his way there, didn’t he, though? He married that…
Derek:
No, he shat his way there.
Clive:
He shat his way! That’s it!
Derek:
He shat his way to the bottom.
Clive:
He shat his way to the bottom, yeah.
Derek:
(clears throat)
Clive:
I’s, I was just wondering, Derek, how you’ve been doing with the, er, with central casting, vis-a-vis, you know, like, star roles.
Derek:
Well, err…
Clive:
‘Cause there’s, you know, a lot of, er, people get into movies simply because they are poofs…
Derek:
Right.
Clive:
…and want to slide their fucking knob up any director who fancies them and, you know, that’s one way of getting to the top and I always say it’s another way of getting to the bottom, and I’m not going to do that for any fucking movie stardom in the world. I was wondering how you’d gone with central casting, knowing how difficult it fucking is, not to compromise your fucking self.
Derek:
Well, it’s, err, well, as you know, er, Clive, the film industry is terribly depressed.
Clive:
Well, I’m terribly depressed, I didn’t know the film industry was.
Derek:
Well, maybe, you know, ‘s probably…
Clive:
Er, co-incidental, yeah, yeah.
Derek:
Co-incidental, but it, it may-
Clive:
Co-incidental, yeah, absolutely.
Derek:
No, no, but, you know, there may very well be some sort of overhang.
Clive:
But, any joy from the industry from your point of view?
Derek:
Well, I was getting on to that. Errr, as you know, er, parts are very few and far between, you know, but I’m ha-, I’m willing to do almost anything, you know…
Clive:
I think, you kn-,
Derek:
I’ve got…
Clive:
I think, I think if the role merits it, you know, do it.
Derek:
Right.
Clive:
‘Cause if you don’t do it, it’s not done. And that’s part of life isn’t it?
Derek:
Well, ‘t’s like, ‘t’s…
Clive:
Derek, Derek, it’s life…
Derek:
Well, no, no,…
Clive:
It’s, it’s, it’s the stuff of life…
Derek:
You’re talking ph-…
Clive:
…it’s the stuff of life, it’s the stuff of life…
Derek:
You’re talki-, you’re talking philo-, it’s,…
Clive:
…it’s the stuff of life.
Derek:
You’re talking philosophy now, Clive.
Clive:
‘Course I am.
Derek:
You know, if you want to talk philosophy, fine. And I-
Clive:
I, I heard about that one…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
…the piece of shit from, er, ‘Raise The Titanic!’…
Derek:
Right.
Clive:
…where, where, where somebody had to look shit scared and there was a big part for a turd?