Derek and Clive – I Saw This Bloke

From the album ‘Come Again‘ (1977).

Derek:
I saw this bloke the other day.
Clive:
No, did you?
Derek:
Did I tell you?
Clive:
No! You d-…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
No, you didn’t, I don’t fucking b-… don’t come that with me!
Derek:
No, really, I know…
Clive:
You saw this bloke the other day?
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
You don’t expect me to believe that, do you?
Derek:
I don’t, no, I don’t.
Clive:
Oh, that’s outrageous that is.
Derek:
What, I know.
Clive:
That’s outrageous.
Derek:
Yeah, but…
Clive:
You saw this bloke the other day! Ha ha!
Derek:
No, It’s true an’ all, it’s true.
Clive:
Oh, come off it, you cunt!
Derek:
Yeah, huh huh huh.
Clive:
"Saw this bloke the other day", you cunt!
Derek:
I saw him. I saw him.
Clive:
Course you didn’t, you never saw a bloke the other day.
Derek:
I saw him.
Clive:
How could you have done?
Derek:
I don’t know. That’s what…
Clive:
Well, all right…
Derek:
…that’s what I, that’s what, er, defied, er, er, description…
Clive:
All right.
Derek:
I saw him and I don’t know how! I don’t know how I saw him, but I saw him! I was going along the street and I saw this bloke.
Clive:
Yeah, no, come on, what proof have you fucking got that you saw this bloke.
Derek:
I got no proof. All right, no,…
Clive:
What, what, what proof, what proof have you got?
Derek:
I’ve got no proof, mate.
Clive:
What proof?
Derek:
Just…
Clive:
Well, without proof there’s no fucking point in talking, is there?
Derek:
Well, there is…
Clive:
I can prove that I’m here ’cause I’ve got a witness.
Derek:
Who?
Clive:
You!
Derek:
I… where are you?
Clive:
I’m here, cunt! Can’t you see me? Cuh… You talk about some bloke you saw the other day…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
Yeah, O.K., you’ve seen a bloke, have you? So what’s so good about that?
Derek:
Nothing. Nothing, I…
Clive:
What’s so interesting about this particular story?
Derek:
There’s noth-, I just wanted to tell you, I saw this bloke.
Clive:
You saw a bloke, er, er, you saw a bloke, you saw a bloke, so, so what, so, you saw him. So what happened?
Derek:
Nothing happened.
Clive:
Any happier? You any happier? You feeling better for seeing this bloke? Course you aren’t!
Derek:
I didn’t say I’d feel better.
Clive:
WHY RAISE IT IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE THEN?!
Derek:
I thought you might be interested.
Clive:
I wasn’t in the least interested! I was sitting here quietly wanking.
Derek:
How would I know?
Clive:
How would you know? By fucking intuition, mate! Can’t you have something intuitive?
Derek:
All right, I saw this, this, this woman.
Clive:
That’s better.
Derek:
Right.
Clive:
Now you’re talking.