Derek and Clive – In The Cubicles

From the album ‘Come Again‘ (1977).

Derek:
(squelching sounds x14 – clears throat – more squelching x2)
Clive:
(squelching sounds x8)… Ah, tell me, Derek, here, here, Derek – I got to go home now ’cause, er,…
Derek:
(squelching x6)… Hold on a minute… (squelching x3)
Clive:
…I’ve got a wife and children to, y’know,-
Derek:
I can feel you’re going to cum in a moment.
Clive:
No, what, no, no, no, I couldn’t do that…
Derek:
(squelching x5)… Go on th-, go on, cum in my mouth…
Clive:
No, no, no, n- I-, no, no, no, now come on, co-,…
Derek:
…(slurp) – Come on, cum! cum! (squelching x5) I can feel it’s, like, all,…
Clive:
…no, no, no, no, no, ’cause I’m in the next cu-,…
Derek:
…it’s throbbing, you know, your vein’s-,…
Clive:
…I’m, I’m, I’m in the next cubicle! I’m in the next cubicle!
Derek:
….your vein is throbbing.
Clive:
I’m in the next cubicle!
Derek:
Well, what am I sucking then? (squelch)
Clive:
I don’t know, it’s a fucking toilet roll.
Derek:
Fff-ucking-, ohhhh, fuck off, you dirty c-, what a-, get out of it you fucking cunt!
Clive:
What you got in there?
Derek:
It’s the fucking attendant!
Clive:
Oh, Christ!
Derek:
Christ, I thought I was sucking your knob!
Clive:
No, no, no, no, I was in the next cubicle…
Derek:
Oh, fucking hell.
Clive:
…that’s what I kept telling you.
Derek:
(tuts) Well, it’s nice. I quite liked him cumming in my mouth like that.
Clive:
What, the attendant?
Derek:
But I was only sorry it wasn’t you, ’cause I really, I really laid it on, man.
Clive:
No-, I-, look, Derek, I’d have been there had I had the chance but I had such-, I had five foot-, I had five-,
Derek:
Yeah, well, yeah, w- the fucking next cubicle, you cunt!
Clive:
I had five foot of fucking cubicle wall between me and you!
Derek:
There’s-, no, no, no, mate, there’s no excuse, mate!
Clive:
Don’t make it as easy as that!
Derek:
There’s no excuse! No fucking excuse, mate!
Clive:
Don’t try and tell me whose fucking fault it was!
Derek:
Listen! You heard-…
Clive:
It was your fucking fault!
Derek:
You heard I was in the fucking cubicle with the attendant!
Clive:
I heard nothing of the sort!
Derek:
You knew you were in the next one!
Clive:
I hadn’t heard it on the grapevine!
Derek:
Why didn’t you tell me you were in there? You cunt!
Clive:
Be-… do you know what I said to my tax-, tax lawyer?
Derek:
No, I don’t know what you said. No, I don’t know what you said to anybody.
Clive:
I said to my tax lawyer, I said, "Look, if I-"
Derek:
You-, I don’t care what you said to your tax lawyer, if you said "look". If you said "look" to your tax lawyer…
Clive:
(blows raspberry)
Derek:
…then I’ve no desire to know what you said, if you said "look", then I, no-
Clive:
No, I didn’t say "look", I just said "look" as a-…
Derek:
No! If you said "look"… oh.
Clive:
…I said "look" as a manner of expressing myself. "Look!"
Derek:
Ye-es, a manner.
Clive:
I mean, Derek, look, lay-, no, no.
Derek:
Manner fanner.
Clive:
There are things in this life that are more important than…
Derek:
Yeah, fuckin-… Than what? Than what?
Clive:
…life itself.
Derek:
What is-, what is more important? In life?
Clive:
I’ll tell you what is more important in life.
Derek:
What is more important in life than anything?
Clive:
Wh-, I’ll tell you what is more important than life itself…
Derek:
Than anything.
Clive:
…and that is raspberry jam.
Derek:
Up the arse.
Clive:
No, don’t…
Derek:
With a plate of spam.
Clive:
…no, no, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, no, don’t be silly.
Derek:
No. I’m not being silly, it’s being perfectly serious. You ha-
Clive:
No, it’s not, you’re being stupid.
Derek:
No, I’m not.
Clive:
Raspberry jam should not go up your arse. It should go down-, it-
Derek:
It shouldn’t, but it does! It fucking does, mate!
Clive:
(coughs and laughs) No!
Derek:
Oh-h, you put raspberry jam out, mate, and you take your drawers off, fucking stuff goes WHA-AAY!! (blows raspberry) Right up the arsehole!
Clive:
No, I, I wish that was true. I was that was tr-
Derek:
Oh-h, you don’t know, you don’t know the nature of raspberry jam, mate.
Clive:
Oh, I know the nature o-. Perhaps you’re confusing it with strawberry jam.
Derek:
I’m not confusing it with-… no, I’m not, mate.
Clive:
Oh, yes, you’re con-fucking con-strewing, y-, y-, you’re confusing it with strawberry jam.
Derek:
No, I’m not con-strthrrp-thrrp wrrhp wrrhp with any-pthp-thing.
Clive:
Str-, oh, yes, yes, yes, that jam goes up your arse…
Derek:
Oh, fuck off. Cunt.
Clive:
Strawberry jam goes up your arse. G’an fuck’ell…
Derek:
Loganberry jam is another kettle of fish.
Clive:
Well, don’t talk to me about loganberry jam.
Derek:
WHY NOT!!
Clive:
Who brought up the subject of loganberry jam? It wasn’t me.
Derek:
I brought up the loganberry jam, you brought up the strawberry jam! I don’t care who brought up what!
Clive:
Well, the fact you brought up the loganberry jam is nothing to do with me.
Derek:
Well, I don’t care! Frankly…
Clive:
Well, why do you fucking bother then?
Derek:
Frankly, I don’t fucking care!
Clive:
Listen, if-,…
Derek:
Listen you-, what you saying, you cunt?
Clive:
…Listen, you fucking cunt,…
Derek:
Who you talking to?
Clive:
…you can’t even fucking argue, you can’t talk rationally,…
Derek:
You cunt! Who you-, who you telling to the- fucking listen?
Clive:
…you’re so stupid,…
Derek:
You stupid- (tails off laughing). You c-…
Clive:
…you can’t talk rationally,…
Derek:
RATIONALLY??
Clive:
You can’t sit down here and argue, ’cause your voice is going to run out ’cause you can’t fucking speak!
Derek:
You call it rational, you cunt? You fucking cunt! You- (tails off laughing).
Clive:
You’re so stupid…
Derek:
You cunt!
Clive:
…you’re going to giggle in a moment.
Derek:
You cunt!
Clive:
You won’t even be able to fucking speak ’cause you’re so fucking stupid.
Derek:
Oh, now you’re resorting-, now, I mean,…
Clive:
Yes, you’re so fucking stupid.
Derek:
…I mean, I mean, ehhhrrr you cunt!
Clive:
You can’t speak…
Derek:
Oh, really?
Clive:
…’cause you’re so fucking stupid.
Derek:
Yeah, you got it all-,…
Clive:
You come in here,…
Derek:
…you’re hoarse as a fucking butterfly!
Clive:
…you know nothing. You know fucking nothing ’cause you can’t speak.
Derek:
No, I know fucking everything! I know everything!
Clive:
Do you?
Derek:
Yeah!
Clive:
What’s everything about then?
Derek:
Well, everything’s about, every-, everything,…
Clive:
Tell me! Tell me!
Derek:
Everything’s about…
Clive:
If you know what everything’s about, tell me!
Derek:
I’ll tell you what everything’s about!
Clive:
Tell me what everything is about!
Derek:
Everything is about is f-f-…
Clive:
What is everything about?
Derek:
FUCK ALL!!!
Clive:
You tell me. Oh!
Derek:
FUCK – ALL!!!
Clive:
‘Fuck all’ is what YOU’RE about!
Derek:
Oh, really? You cunt!
Clive:
You’re about fuck all!
Derek:
You fucking cunt!
Clive:
You stupid fucking cunt!
Derek:
You cunt-cunt-cunt, you stupid fucking cunt!
Clive:
You stupid fucking cunt!
Derek:
You cunt! (tails off laughing)
Clive:
You can’t keep talking longer than I can.
Derek:
Oh, really?
Clive:
You’re a stupid fucking arsehole!
Derek:
Oh, let’s see about that!
Clive:
You’re a stupid cunt!
Derek:
Oh, I’m quite prepared to go on as long as you like!
Clive:
You can’t speak longer…
Derek:
Oh, really? Listen,…
Clive:
…than I can ’cause you’re so stupid.
Derek:
…the way I’m getting above your voice,…
Clive:
No, you’re nowhere near my vol-
Derek:
…you see I’m pitching it a bit higher…
Clive:
You’re so stupid.
Derek:
…so they can hear it a bit more clearly, you cunt!
Clive:
Don’t ky an-…
Derek:
You fuck-, aww! "Don’t ky"?
Clive:
…get clearer than the microphone. You’re so-
Derek:
"Don’t ky"?
Clive:
Don’t "ky" an-
Derek:
What’s this "don’t ky" and fuck-?
Clive:
Trying to put you off, you fucking cunt.
Derek:
Oh, yeah, you cunt, you fucking-,…
Clive:
You can’t even speak there,…
Derek:
…you couldn’t put me off…
Derek and Clive:
…you stupid fucking cunt!
Clive:
You fool!
Derek:
You st-, oh, you fucking cunt!
Clive:
You fucking cunt!
Derek:
You stupid-.
Clive:
You can’t even speak…
Derek:
Oh, really?
Clive:
…’cause you’re so stupid.
Derek:
Yes, I can, you cunt!
Clive:
No, you can’t, you cunt,…
Derek:
Yes, I can, you fucking cunt!
Clive:
’cause you’re so stupid, you can’t s-fucking speak!
Derek:
You’re the fucking stupidest cunt I’ve ever seen in my fucking life!
Clive:
You’re so drunk and stupid!
Derek:
YOU ARE SO FUCKING DRUNK…
Clive:
YOU ARE SO DRUNK AND STUPID…
Derek:
…I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I’M DOING HERE, YOU CUNT!! You… (tails off laughing)
Clive:
…YOU CAN’T EVEN FUCKING SPEAK, THAT’S HOW FUCKING DRUNK YOU ARE!
Derek:
CUNT!!