Derek and Clive – Members Only

From the album ‘Come Again‘ (1977).

Derek:
Nnh-nh, excuse me.
Clive:
Yes?
Derek:
I-, I seem to recognise you.
Clive:
Yes, I think we’ve met before.
Derek:
You have met with me, nice to see you.
Clive:
Are you the person who, erm, made love to me in Pensby four years ago?
Derek:
Yes, that’s right, yes, you remember.
Clive:
Yes, I have medical-…
Derek:
I talked…
Clive:
….I have medical reports to show.
Derek:
Yes, I remember. And talking of ‘member’, I wonder if I could, er, jostle your member memory and, erm, prevail…
Clive:
I’d like to make something quite clear from the, erm, from the outset.
Derek:
I like to make something quite queer from you.
Clive:
Er, let me put it this way: although we are liberated in these days…
Derek:
Ng-hmm.
Clive:
…it is still not, er, fashionable to be, erm, out of the, um,…
Derek:
You’re lost, aren’t you?
Clive:
…closet.
Derek:
Oh, out of the closet, Well, you are lost then, aren’t you, if you’re out of the closet.
Clive:
No, I’m still not out of the closet. Umm, although I recognise your feelings towards my, er,…
Derek:
I recognise your knnnnnoobbbbb.
Clive:
No, you never saw my knob. That was a facsimilie…
Derek:
A beautiful knob with that purple glistening helmet. (cough! cough! cough! cough!) Excuse me.
Clive:
I’m sorry, I coughed.
Derek:
No, that was me.
Clive:
Ah. I’m very sorry, I mistook you for me.
Derek:
I’m sorry I coughed, I have a pubic hair down there from, er, royal personage. Ah-h-hem. I won’t go into details.
Clive:
Well, let me put it this way…
Derek:
Put it any way you like, darling. Preferably here. (sniggers)
Clive:
I-, I-, I’m very interested in meeting you and your sort.
Derek:
You’ve met me, and here I am.
Clive:
But, on the other hand…
Derek:
No, preferably this hand.
Clive:
…there are certain conditions, and, um,…
Derek:
Oh, conditions monditions.
Clive:
…subscription memberships which we have to earn, too.
Derek:
Oh, yes.
Clive:
I am a private club.
Derek:
You’re a private club?
Clive:
Yes. I can only admit one member…
Derek:
Nnnnnhhhhhh-ohhhhhh.
Clive:
I can only admit one member a day.
Derek:
Nnnnnhhhhhh-ohhhhhhhhhhhh does that mean-, I-, I-, have you… ?
Clive:
You’re admitted.
Derek:
I’m admitted? Oh-h-h. Well, um, if you’d just like to wrap your cock in a ten pound note I’d be very satisfied.
Clive:
Would you like to die with me?
Derek:
Yeah, ohhhh, sirrrr-uh-huh-huh.
Clive:
(throaty gargle)
Derek:
I can feel it coming on. I think…
Clive:
You must be with somebody else.
Derek:
No, I’m having a heart attack, oh yes. Everything’s getting a bit blurry, um,…
Clive:
Are you dying?
Derek:
I’m feeling something furry. Oh God, the pain-n-n-n-n-n.
Clive:
What’s it like to die?
Derek:
Well, hold on a moment and I’ll-, ah-ah-ahhhh, it’s not-, not as bad as it-, not as bad as you might think.
Clive:
It’s not as bad as it’s made out to be.
Derek:
But not as good, either. I’ll tell you what I’m afraid of.
Clive:
What’s that?
Derek:
Absolutely everything.
Clive:
Goodnight darling.
Derek:
Goodnight my darling.