Derek and Clive – Norman The Carpet

From the album ‘Come Again‘ (1977).

Derek:
Yeah, he’s a good bloke, Norm.
Clive:
Norm! I, I saw him down, er, down the pub the other day and he was-, you know Norman’s normally sort of very ch- chipper, you know…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
… very perky…
Derek:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Clive:
… and, er, he looked a bit down.
Derek:
Really?
Clive:
So I said, you know, not friendly like, I said, er, "What’s wrong Norm?"
Derek:
Yeah-h-h-h.
Clive:
And he said, er, "Nothing."
Derek:
Oh, right.
Clive:
Hunh! I said, "Now come on Norm, we’ve known each other for years…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
… you can’t say there’s nothing wrong." He said, "All right, I’ll tell you what happened. My whole body got infected with, er, carpets and, er, I’ve been turned into a fine-pile carpet by the doctors." I said, "Come on Norm, drink up, don’t be a cunt. Stupid fucking story about being a fucking carpet!" And then, you know, we had a few drinks…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
… and I left…
Derek:
But, you see, he’s al-
Clive:
… and, and, yeah, yeah, when I left…
Derek:
He’s always let people walk all over him.
Clive:
… that’s, THAT’S WHAT I FUCKING SAID TO HIM! When I left, I was standing on his fucking head and he was still saying he’s a fucking carpet, I said…
Derek:
What a cunt.
Clive:
… "Norm, huh, own up or grow up or be something in this world…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
… don’t be a carpet."
Derek:
Yeah, right.
Clive:
’cause being a carpet gets you nowhere.
Derek:
Nowhere.
Clive:
Except at the Savoy, it gets you upstairs.
Derek:
Right, yeah, without having to register.
Clive:
Yeah.
Derek:
Yeah.