Derek and Clive – In The Lav

From the album ‘(Live)‘ (1976).

Derek:
Er, well, I was, er, I was down Hampstead tube…
Clive:
Yeah.
Derek:
… down the lav there…
Clive:
What, right down the lav?
Derek:
No, I don’t mean down the fucking lav, cunt.
Clive:
Well, what d’you mean then?
Derek:
I…
Clive:
Were you or were you not down the lav? You said-, you articulated the sentiment that you were down the lav.
Derek:
What I meant was I was down the… down the fucking gents. Right?
Clive:
You were in the lav?
Derek:
I was not in the fucking lav!
Clive:
You were in the lavatory?
Derek:
I was not in the basin.
Clive:
No, I-… no, all I’s trying to establish is where you fucking were!
Derek:
Well, I was in the lav.
Clive:
Fine. Right. There’s no need to…
Derek:
Not floating like a lonely turd.
Clive:
No, I knew that.
Derek:
That settles that.
Clive:
O.K., fine.
Derek:
Right… I was down the lav….
Clive:
Yeah.
Derek:
… and, er, I was sitting there…
Clive:
Yeah, well…
Derek:
… and, er, suddenly a little bit of paper come under the fucking door…
Clive:
Yeah.
Derek:
… and, er… (sniggers)
Clive:
Yeah, what, what-
Derek:
I opened it up.
Clive:
No, no, could you go back a bit there?
Derek:
What, you lost me?
Clive:
Yeah. A bit of paper come under the door…
Derek:
Bit of paper come under the fucking door…
Clive:
Yeah.
Derek:
… and, er, I opened it up…
Clive:
Yeah.
Derek:
… and it said, "Are you handy?"
Clive:
Yeah.
Derek:
And I thought, "’ullo, some cunt is showing out."
Clive:
Yeah.
Derek:
So, I pulled up my trousers…
Clive:
‘Cause they were down, were they?
Derek:
They were down…
Clive:
Yeah-h.
Derek:
… round my ankles.
Clive:
Yeah, well, that’s-, that’s clever, that, ’cause, you know, I sometimes make the mistake of, er, not getting my trousers down and then I find the usual experience is that I get a load of crap in my trousers, which is a fucking headache. If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s, er, walking around all day with warm crap all over me.
Derek:
Yeah. Oh, I agree.
Clive:
I try and rule that out of my life…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
… I don’t know about you.
Derek:
Well, there’s no point in, er…
Clive:
Sq-
Derek:
… making things difficult.
Clive:
There’s no point in squelching every time you sit down.
Derek:
No. How c-
Clive:
But that’s just a personal view.
Derek:
No, yeah. No, well, of course there is the fucking pong as well.
Clive:
Well, I’ll tell you, four years ago I done about, ooh, must have been, well, round about, er, five and half pounds of crap…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
… in my trousers, ’cause they weighed it later at the forensic laboratories. An-n-nd, the pong from that was fucking staggering.
Derek:
(laughs loud)
Clive:
You know what they did?
Derek:
What?
Clive:
The police come round – you know where I live?
Derek:
What, er…
Clive:
I-, round, you know… in Islington. The police come round and said the Queen Mother…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
… who lives, sh-, you know…
Derek:
Well, fucking miles away.
Clive:
… miles away in Buckingham Palace…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
… had got a whiff of it…
Derek:
Fuck me!
Clive:
And, er, they took me away…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
… and had me scraped…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
… and, er…
Derek:
Did she come and, er, identify the whiff?
Clive:
Yeah, she had-, well, she was a vi-, she was a key witness.
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
And she come along with her Japanese masseur. D’you know him?
Derek:
No.
Clive:
The Japanese masseur, the Queen Mother has.
Derek:
‘Masseur’ Hulot! Eh-huh-huh…
Clive:
Aww, that’s fucking good, that…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
… you could be on the radio…
Derek:
Yeah… yeah.
Clive:
… with that type of stuff.
Derek:
Huh.
Clive:
And, er, no, the Queen Mother come down…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
… from the palace with the masseur and identified the pong.
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
And, you know, there were-, it was an identity parade. They had eleven separate heaps of shit…
Derek:
Yeah. What, and she…
Clive:
… one of which was mine.
Derek:
She dipped into ’em, did she? Or-
Clive:
She was blindfold.
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
And she walked by each heap…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
… and sniffed…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
… and she got mine f-, right off, you know…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
… like that, said, "That is the one."
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
A-
Derek:
So what’d they do? They, er, nick you?
Clive:
No, th-, they held me over night…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
… but I applied for Lucozade and I was released on bail.
Derek:
Yeah.