Derek and Clive – The Worst Job He Ever Had

From the album ‘(Live)‘ (1976).

Clive:
What’s- was the worst job you had?
Derek:
The worst job I ever had? Yeah- (sniffs and clears throat)
Clive:
What, was just that? Coughing?
Derek:
Well, I had to collect up-, i-, it was a very difficult job. I had to collect up every year – financial year, you know, A-, April…
Clive:
Every ear? Whose ears did you collect up?
Derek:
… A-, no, wait, no, ‘year’. April to April.
Clive:
Yeah.
Derek:
(belches) Pardon. All the phlegm what Winston Churchill had gobbed out into his bucket by the bed.
Clive:
Oh, God, yes, I was offered that job…
Derek:
And…
Clive:
… but I said, "No," I said, "I’m not going to collect all that phlegm ’cause he has so many cigars, so much brandy, I am NOT, as a human being, going to go round with buckets collecting that fucking phlegm."
Derek:
Well, I’ll tell you…
Clive:
I said, "I’m not going to touch it." I said, "I won’t touch it…
Derek:
No.
Clive:
… I’d rather be a destitute."
Derek:
The trouble was he used to take bogies in secret, you see.
Clive:
What, he had them in a cupboard…
Derek:
He had…
Clive:
… which no-one could see?
Derek:
He was a secret bogier. He used to have bottles of the stuff. I used to collect it up for him, I never realised that he was, in fact, taking it of a night.
Clive:
And then just blowing it out.
Derek:
An-, and then blowing it out in the fucking morning! I mean…
Clive:
And it-
Derek:
You didn’t know where you fucking were. I came in the morning…
Clive:
Well, ho-
Derek:
… there was the same fucking bogie on the bedspread. I thought, "Fuck me! I only collected this one last night and th-, there’s the cunt lying on the fucking bedspread again", you see. And I d-, I-, I-, you know, I thought I was seeing things. I had a feeling of deja vu.
Clive:
Well, it must have been tricky for you ’cause I remember hearing stories about Winston’s bogies which were unbelievable because, erm, you know, he could produce a bogie as big as, er, er, w-, the Titanic. Ohh, it was dreadful…
Derek:
You know-, you know why?
Clive:
He threatened Hitler with it, didn’t he?
Derek:
You know what happened?
Clive:
He threatened Hitler with it.
Derek:
Well, the bogie that was as big as the Titanic…
Clive:
Yeah.
Derek:
… was in fact the Titanic! Did you know that?
Clive:
Well, this is-, this is what I heard!
Derek:
Yeah. The trouble-, no…
Clive:
But I’ve never had it confirmed!
Derek:
Well, this is-, now keep it-, keep it, like, very quiet…
Clive:
Keep it very quiet.
Derek:
… but the bogie that Winston had that was like the Titanic was, in fact-…
Clive:
(was the Titanic!)
Derek:
… there was no such fucking thing as the Ti-fucking-tanic.
Clive:
So people went to sea…
Derek:
People went, no, people thought it was the Titanic but it wasn’t! They were…
Clive:
They went to sea on-, on Winston…
Derek:
They went to sea on-, on Winston’s bogie.
Clive:
… Winston’s bogie, yeah.
Derek:
And the fucker sank! And fucking why not!
Clive:
And, and they-, they played on. They played on.
Derek:
They fucking played on. Well…
Clive:
The violinist kept playing while the bogie sank,
Derek:
The trouble is, you see, bogies are not really seaworthy.
Clive:
Well, I’ve always…
Derek:
Winston was a cunt!
Clive:
I’ve always said this, I’ve always said this: you cannot float on a bogie. Don’t try to cross the ocean on a bogie otherwise you’re sunk. And who took any notice? Fucking nobody took any bloody notice!
Derek:
Right, and all those…
Clive:
I’LL TELL YOU WHO TOOK NOTICE!!
Derek:
WHO?
Clive:
FUCKING NOBODY TOOK NOTICE!!
Derek:
Right!
Clive:
That’s who I’ll tell you took notice!
Derek:
You’re fucking right, mate!
Clive:
Yeah, nobody took fucking notice!
Derek:
Fucking no-one!
Clive:
No-one took notice!
Derek:
All those cunts!
Clive:
All those cunts…
Derek:
Trooping onto the fucking bogie!
Clive:
… went out to sea on Winston’s bogie and what happened to them?
Derek:
S.S. Fucking Bogie!
Clive:
They fucking sunk, didn’t they?
Derek:
Right, fucking cunts!
Clive:
Yeah.
Derek:
Right.
Clive:
So, the next time you see a travel brochure saying: ‘Go to Majorca on wee-…
Derek:
On a bogie!
Clive:
… on a bogie’, forget it, mate! Forget it! Because that is the fucking end of the world!!
Derek:
(laughing)
Clive:
Ohhh-ouhh, would you excuse me for one second while I light up a cigarette.
(sound of lighter)
That was more than one second.
Would you mind not moving your stool?