Derek and Clive – The Worst Job I Ever Had

From the album ‘(Live)‘ (1976).

Clive:
I’ll tell you…
Derek:
(enormous belch) Testing, testing…
Clive:
No, no, don’t test any longer.
Derek:
No.
Clive:
Er, I’ll tell you the worst job I ever had.
Derek:
What was that?
Clive:
The worst job I ever had was with Jayne Mansfield. You know, she was a fantastic bird, you know…
Derek:
Yeah, yeah.
Clive:
… big tits, huge bum, and everything like that, but I had the terrible job of retrieving lobsters from her bum.
Derek:
Really? Bloody hell, that must have been a task.
Clive:
Well, it was quite a task ’cause she had a big bum…
Derek:
Well, I remember.
Clive:
… and they were big lobsters.
Derek:
I remember she had a huge bum.
Clive:
Well, she had one and, er, you know, presumably in the afterlife…
Derek:
(belches) Oh dear.
Clive:
Shut up… she still has one. But I had to, used to go round, you know, of an evening…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
… when Jayne was sleeping or sort of comatose, like…
Derek:
Yeah, yeah.
Clive:
… you know, you know.
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
You know, just lying there.
Derek:
Comatose.
Clive:
And the ne-
Derek:
‘Coma-toes to her head’ huh-huh-huh.
Clive:
‘Coma-toes to her head’ – shut up.
Derek:
(coughs)
Clive:
And, er, I had to retrieve these lobsters from her arsehole.
Derek:
Yeah, well, I remember she had a lot of trouble with-, with lobsters up her arsehole.
Clive:
Well, you see, the lobsters…
Derek:
Basically, she suffered from, er, what was known in-, in the medical trade as ‘lobsters-up-the-arsehole’.
Clive:
Well, this is what it said scientifically, you know…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
… ‘lobsters-up-the-bum’, you know…
Derek:
Mmm.
Clive:
… this was the scientific, er, term for it but, you know, in general terms it was known as ‘Lobsterisimus -um- Bummakisimus‘.
Derek:
Yeah, yeah.
Clive:
And it was my job every evening to go round to Jayne…
Derek:
Mmm.
Clive:
… who was a sweet girl.
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
Sweet, charming, shy, mysterious girl…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
… and get these fucking lobsters out of her arsehole.
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
Which is so tricky because she was a very sensitive woman, you know.
Derek:
Yeah, yeah.
Clive:
I used to go round there every evening and these lobsters, you know, she used to go out bathing in Malibu…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
… which is where she used to go out bathing.
Derek:
Yeah, oh, Malibu, yeah.
Clive:
Malibu, yes. Malibu-de-bum-bum. And, erm, up went the lobsters – boing! – straight up her arsehole.
Derek:
Well, I think, you know, I think she brought it on herself, really, didn’t she?
Clive:
Not so much brought them on herself as so much encouraged them, you know…
Derek:
Yeah, yeah.
Clive:
… by the flagrant display which she got up to.
Derek:
Well, I think she was a dirty cow.
Clive:
Well…
Derek:
And being…
Clive:
No, n-, no, no, be fair, be fair. You can call her a dirty cow but, let’s face it, a lot of lobsters fancied her bum.
Derek:
Yeah, well, I think, I-, let’s face it, I think it was a fifty-fifty arrangement. I think that-, I-, I don’t…
Clive:
Yeah. The lob-, the lobsters didn’t say, “we have the upper hand”…
Derek:
No.
Clive:
… Jayne didn’t say, “we have the upper hand”…
Derek:
There was no-, there was no feeling of, er, domination.
Clive:
No. It was a…
Derek:
A-, fif-
Clive:
… fifty-fifty thing.
Derek:
I think the lobsters got quite a nip out of it…
Clive:
Yeah.
Derek:
Uh-huh-huh. And, er, I think Jayne got a lot out of it.
Clive:
Yeah, but it was my job, my job to retrieve the lobsters from her bum after the event.
Derek:
What event?
Clive:
Post hoc, te proct.
Derek:
P-post what?
Clive:
Post hoc, te proct.
Derek:
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Clive:
That’s what it is in Latin, you know…
Derek:
What-
Clive:
… getting lobsters out of people’s bums, after they’ve, er…
Derek:
Oh, post hoc, te proct.
Clive:
Yes, yeah.
Derek:
Well, when… (clears throat)
Clive:
But she was a sweet girl and I wouldn’t knock her.
Derek:
Well, I gather you wouldn’t, no.
Clive:
No, I gather I wouldn’t. But I’ll tell you one thing Tony Newley said to me…
Derek:
What was that?
Clive:
“Who are you?”
Derek:
Yeah? Just like that.
Clive:
Just like that. And I thought that made Tony Newley a-, a wonderful human being.