Derek and Clive – This Bloke Came Up To Me

From the album ‘(Live)‘ (1976).

Derek:
I’ll tell you, the other day some bloke came up to me and…
Clive:
What, Tony Newley?
Derek:
No, no, I don’t know who it was, and he said, "You cunt".
Clive:
Yeah.
Derek:
I said, "What?" He said, "You cunt".
Clive:
Yeah. And you replied, "You fucking cunt".
Derek:
I said-, I-, no, well, not straight away, I said, "You cunt".
Clive:
Yeah, yeah, yeah…
Derek:
And then he said…
Clive:
… what’d he come back with?
Derek:
He come back. He says-, he said, "You fucking cunt". I said, "You calling me… "
Clive:
You’re joking! He said, "You fucking cunt"?
Derek:
He-, yeah, he said, "You call me a cunt, you fucking c-?" I said, "You f-", I said, "You fucking cunt".
Clive:
I should hope so, "you fucking cunt".
Derek:
I s-, I said, "You fucking cunt", I said, "You fucking come here and call me a fucking cunt".
Clive:
I should say so.
Derek:
I said, "You f-", I said, "You cunt". I said, "You fucking cunt". I said, "Who you fucking calling ‘cunt’, cunt?"
Clive:
Yeah, what did he say, cunt?
Derek:
He said, "You fucking cunt!"
Clive:
Well, you fucking cunt, who are you to say to him that he was a fucking cunt?
Derek:
Well, what d’you fu-, what d’you fucking think, mate, I fucking de-, defending my fucking self, weren’t I?
Clive:
Well, no, he come up to you, call you "cunt"…
Derek:
Yeah!
Clive:
… that’s fair enough, what he said, "you fucking cunt", and you said back to him, "you fucking fucking cunt".
Derek:
I sa-, well…
Clive:
Well, what do you expect him to say back apart from, "You fucking stupid fucking cunt!"
Derek:
Well, I don’t-, I don’t expect nothing, do I?
Clive:
No.
Derek:
But the f-, the cunt come back with, "you fucking cunt", cunt.
Clive:
Well, Christ…
Derek:
I said, "You cunt?" I said, "You calling me a fucking cunt…
Clive:
Yeah.
Derek:
… You fucking-", I said, "You fucking cunt".
Clive:
Jesus Christ, yeah.
Derek:
I said, "You-", I said, "You, you fucking cunt".
Clive:
Yeah, what-
Derek:
I said, like that.
Clive:
You said it like that, did you…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
… to him…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
… or was he gone by then?
Derek:
No, he fucking hit me. Fu-
Clive:
Hit you, did he?
Derek:
Yeah, fucking cunt.
Clive:
Killed you dead, did he?
Derek:
Nah, he-, he fucking hit me. I said, I said…
Clive:
Yeah, well, you can’t blame him, can you?
Derek:
I said, "You, you rotter".
Clive:
Yeah.
Derek:
And he-, he went off.
Clive:
Did he?
Derek:
And he said, "You cunt" again.
Clive:
Well, ‘t’s the only way to deal with him, ‘init?
Derek:
Yeah, well, I-, I showed him, didn’t I?
Clive:
Yeah, well, you had to, didn’t you? You had to stand up for what you stood for, didn’t you? I mean, the only time I remember a similar occasion was, I was in, errm, I was at Spurs, Tottenham Hotspurs.
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
I was watching a game against Arsenal, and this bloke come up to me and said, "Hello".
Derek:
Oh no…
Clive:
And I thought, "Christ!"
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
You know, this bloke comes up to me, says "hello"…
Derek:
Provocative fucker.
Clive:
… fucking provocative.
Derek:
Mmm.
Clive:
I said, "What d’you mean, ‘hello’?" And, do you know what he came back with?
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
He said, erm, "I just meant, ‘hello’" I said, "Hur hur, I can sussed you out…
Derek:
Yeah, right.
Clive:
… right, for a starter…
Derek:
Yeah, right.
Clive:
… ‘ere, get this in the bollocks for a start!" So I kicked him right in the balls, he fell to the floor, and as he fell to the floor he said, "Euuughh!" I said, "Don’t you ‘Euuughh’ me, mate!"
Derek:
I-, yeah, like he comes in with ‘hello’ and then goes out with ‘euuughh’.
Clive:
Yeah, I said, "Don’t you ‘Euuughh’ me, mate!" and I kicked his fucking teeth in!
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
Then he went, "Aaaghh!", and I said, "Fucking hell!…
Derek:
I said, "This is fucking too much", eh?
Clive:
… Don’t you fucking ‘Aaaghh’ me!"
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
And I really kicked his ear in, you know.
Derek:
Yeah, yeah.
Clive:
Bunged him right in the ear with the left boot.
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
And, d’you know he still had the audacity to come out with, "Hugh-eugh-ugh-eugh-ugh I’m dying!" Well, what could I say to that? I just walked away. I left the situation. I wasn’t going to be, you know, put upon in that way.
Derek:
You weren’t going to be dictacted to, were you?
Clive:
Well, no, why should I be dictated to?
Derek:
No, exactly, no.
Clive:
By some cunt who says ‘euuughh!’
Derek:
Yeah, preceding it with ‘hello’!
Clive:
Yeah. ‘Hello’ was the worst thing, that’s what got me going.
Derek:
Fucking cunt, yeah, what a cunt.
Clive:
What a cunt, eh?