Derek and Clive – Top Rank

From the album ‘(Live)‘ (1976).

Clive:
I was down the, er, Top Rank ballroom the other day.
Derek:
Oh, yeah?
Clive:
Yeah, with-, you know, with the lads…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
… and, er, brought the wives along, you know.
Derek:
Social occasion.
Clive:
Well, made it social, you know, nice to have the birds there, you know, they’ve…
Derek:
Oh, yeah.
Clive:
… got things to talk about, haven’t they? You know…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
Women’s talk, anyway, yeah…
Derek:
Yeah, nice.
Clive:
I was talking to the lads, I’d been up to the, er, football, you know.
Derek:
Oh, errr, which? Norwich and, er, Tottenham?
Clive:
Norwich – Tottenham, yeah.
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
Fucking awful game, that.
Derek:
Yeah-h.
Clive:
Norwich are a team of fucking wankers, ‘in’t they?
Derek:
Yeah, right.
Clive:
Fucking wankers, those Norwich. You-, did you-, d’y-, you see the game?
Derek:
No, I was-, I was wanking that afternoon. I couldn’t come…
Clive:
Oh, yeah, couldn’t make it, yeah. Well, I-, I was down to be wanking but, erm, you know, I got a call from a friend and, er, you know, thought best to go along.
Derek:
Yeah, right, well…
Clive:
Anyway, I was down the Top Rank ballroom, any case…
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
… I was talking to Sid, you remember Sid who, erm…
Derek:
Yeah, who…
Clive:
… married to Doris.
Derek:
Right, yeah.
Clive:
And, er, I suddenly turned round – fuck me, I saw the wife!
Derek:
Well, was that-, was that, er, surprising?
Clive:
No, no, it’s not surprising, what was happening to the wife was surprising. I turned round, saw the wife, fucking great gorilla fucking her arse off.
Derek:
No!
Clive:
I thought, "Fuck me!"
Derek:
Fucking hell!
Clive:
I said, "What’s going on?"
Derek:
Yeah. Well, you would.
Clive:
I said, "Who do I turn to?" You know, "Who do I fucking get in touch with?"
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
I pay five shillings to come to the Top Rank ballroom…
Derek:
Yeah. And then you’ve…
Clive:
… have a civilised conversation, I turn round, there’s a fucking gorilla fucking the arse off my fucking wife!
Derek:
Christ!
Clive:
I thought, "Fuck me! I mean, who do I get in touch with?"
Derek:
Right, yeah, you must have been in a state of near panic.
Clive:
Yeah, well, you know, I’ve got pride.
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
I’m not going to allow, er, ANYBODY, let alone a gorilla, you know, just, er, fuck the arse of my wife like that.
Derek:
Yeah. So what did you do?
Clive:
Well, I turned to Sid, I said, "Sid, look! Fucking gorilla fucking my fucking wife!" He said, "Fucking hell, she fucking is being fucked by a fucking gorilla, fuck me!" He said, "You should get in touch with the top man…
Derek:
Right.
Clive:
… the manager."
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
So I went straight up, you know, I stormed up. ‘Cause let’s f-, I’ve got a temper, you know…
Derek:
Yeah, I know.
Clive:
I-, I-, I’m human!
Derek:
Well, I wouldn’t like to be on the end of it.
Clive:
I’m human. I knocked on the manager’s door – no reply.
Derek:
Yeah.
Clive:
Well, I wasn’t taking ‘no reply’ for an answer. So I stormed straight in and there he was: stark naked on the floor with an ant sucking his left nipple.
Derek:
Oh no! Oh, fucking hell!
Clive:
And I said to him, with all the dignity I could muster, I said, "Is this a way to run a fucking ballroom?"
Derek:
RIGHT!