Derek and Clive – Winkie Wanky Woo

From the album ‘(Live)‘ (1976).

Derek:
Excuse me…. as you may, umm… I wonder if you would be interested in, umm, a-, a-, a c-co-, co-, a sex crime?
Clive:
Er, could you-, could you speak up a bit? I can’t really hear you.
Derek:
You…
Clive:
I thought I heard the words "sex crime" but I didn’t hear anything else.
Derek:
Well, umm, you got the gist of what I said. Um, I wonder if you’d be interested in, um, er, playing with my thing, er, huh…
Clive:
Oh, I see, sort of playing with your doo-dahs.
Derek:
Yes, with my willy winkie.
Clive:
Ha-hum. Well, this depends rather on the terms… and, indeed, the lengths.
Derek:
Well, it…
Clive:
What are the lengths of the doo-dah?
Derek:
My doo-dah is about, um… four foot nine by three and half. And…
Clive:
When you say, er, four foot nine by three and a half…
Derek:
Yes.
Clive:
… um…
Derek:
I mean…
Clive:
… do we take the three and a half as being accurate or could that be possibly three and three quarters?
Derek:
Probably more in the region of five and a half.
Clive:
Oh, five and a half? Well, that’s rather more interesting. You see, um, the problem with me is that my, um…
Derek:
Oh.
Clive:
… (clears throat)…
Derek:
Winkie wanky.
Clive:
… thing, tends when…
Derek:
Willy winkie wanky.
Clive:
… aroused, which is very seldom…
Derek:
Ohh.
Clive:
… about once every century…
Derek:
Mmm-yes.
Clive:
… to be about a thousand miles long.
Derek:
Ohh-h-h, fucking arseholes. Huh. Well, I wonder if we could ‘come’ to some arrangement?
Clive:
Well, I don’t see any reason why not. I mean, you’re a-, you’re a fine man and…
Derek:
Well, that’s very kind of you you fat w-…
Clive:
Well, I’m a very kind person.
Derek:
… cunt.
Clive:
And I’d just like to say that mine being about a thousand miles long…
Derek:
Oh God, ohhh…
Clive:
… which is quite a length in this day and age…
Derek:
Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh nnggh…
Clive:
… given the inflation which surrounds us, I’d like to get to grips with something, you know, on a-, on a sort of par-r-r-r with mine.
Derek:
You know, um, I think you’d be quite pleased with the, um, hhg-hhg, this particular winkie wanky woo.
Clive:
When you dis-, say it’s a "winkie wanky woo"…
Derek:
Nngh-ye-…
Clive:
… it’s a winkie, yes?
Derek:
Well, mainly it’s on the wanky side.
Clive:
And where does the woo come in?
Derek:
Wherever you like, dear.
Clive:
Well, I’d prefer you to do the wooing before you do the winkie and the wanky.
Derek:
Well, um…
Clive:
I may be a bit old-fashioned but I like to see a bit of wooing before the winkie and the wanky, you know.
Derek:
Oh, right, you smooth-talking fucker.
Clive:
Err, where do you live – Earl’s Court?
Derek:
Erm, nnggh, er, er… no.
Clive:
Nowhere?
Derek:
Pardon?
Clive:
Do you live nowhere at all?
Derek:
Nnggh, well, you’ve-, you’re getting near the truth.
Clive:
Why don’t you come back to my place and perhaps we could sort things out.
Derek:
That would be wonderful.
Clive:
Did I ever tell you before that I love a man who has no convictions.
Derek:
Ohhh…
Clive:
How many convictions have you got?
Derek:
Well-l-l, depends what you mean by convictions.
Clive:
How many times have you been in prison for offences against, erm, Anna Neagle?
Derek:
Forty-four times, your honour.
Clive:
Well, come back and see me and we’ll see if we can… sort things out.
Derek:
You’re too kind.
Clive:
I’m what?
Derek:
You’re getting fainter.
Clive:
I’m getting Fanta? Yes, I should go off and get some Fanta…
Derek:
No, you’re getting fainter.
Clive:
Oh, I’m getting fainter, yes, yes, because, do you know in forty-five years in the British army I’ve never met anyone who really cared.
Derek:
How very sad.
Clive:
It is, isn’t it? When one has fought two wars, beaten the Boche twice, one ceases to care…
Derek:
Nnggh…
Clive:
… one only hungers for where it’s at.
Derek:
Well, get your willy wanky woo over here, darling.
Clive:
I wish I could… it was shot off in the first war.
Derek:
Well, fuck off you silly old poof.