Momus – His Majesty The Baby

From the album ‘Ping Pong‘ (1997).


Crooked smiles, mongol eyes and a toothless grin

I hate his majesty the baby
His bowels and bladder uncontrolled
Sitting astride a throne of nappies
As though his shit were made of gold
As though a cherub on a fountain
He suckles breasts as big as mountains
Then pisses freely on the women
Who so lovingly surround him

I hate his majesty the baby
The bald and dribbling little git
The polymorphous little pervert
In every orifice a fluid
Born in a filthy burst of semen
Some tosser planted in a woman
The spitting image of a tosspot
Let us assassinate the despot!

And if you cooing mothers should come cooing around me
Will you be ready for the struggle, the struggle to be free
From the instincts of your gender, from your social role as mothers
When I execute your tyrant will you claim me as your saviour
Or simply tear a traitor limb from limb
Fuck my imbecile brother, then begin again?

I hate his majesty the baby
In my pathetic jealousy
I hear the voices of the ladies
Demanding what he’s done to me?
This bastard’s shitting on my shirt
I’m deep in excrement and dirt
I demand a revolution!
I demand an execution!

I’m well versed in fencing, playing the lute, and rhetoric
I am toilet trained and elegant, an effervescent wit
But the girls prefer the company of a balding little pisser
It is mothers who make men misogynists
They could have kissed me, they chose to kiss
A stupid, stinky little pool of piss

I hate you, imbecilic women
Who gawp around His Majesty
Don’t you know he’ll grow up, God willing
A twisted little shit like me?
I tossed him off one day at lunchbreak
One human life is not that difficult to make
Let us assassinate this despot!
His Imperial Majesty the tosspot

O King, now you have reached the Age of Reason
The facts of life are laced with treason
There is going to be a sudden palace coup
And my new mistress, Madame Guillotine, will soon be nursing you…

Crooked smiles from toothless gums
A grating voice and a stinky bum
Mongol eyes and a toothless grin
The king is naked – let’s do him in!
It’s time to rise up free from tyranny
Wouldn’t you rather be with me?
I’ll show you, ladies, LIFE
And its imperial majesty

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