Momus – My Kindly Friend The Censor

From the album ‘Ping Pong‘ (1997).


I insert my (censored noun)
Into your welcoming (omit)
And ease it slowly down
The whole length of your (unfit)
I begin to (taboo verb) you
As you gaze back with a smile
Which almost triggers my (word missing)
But don’t (unacceptable)

My enormous (word deleted)
Is in between your lips
You clasp my (crossed out plural)
With one hand on my hips
I feel your warm (unsuitable)
I’m about to (slang, taboo)
I love being (questionably phrased)
You clearly love it too

But there is someone standing over us, here for our own good
Who takes the words out of our mouths as we do the deed
He collects them in a bag with a peevish little sigh
In case innocents or grandmothers should somehow happen by
Oh our kindly friend the censor has our best interests at heart
But my love song is now missing all its most important parts

I give you (inadmissible)
You respond with (phrase removed)
I (cut) you then (blue-pencil) you
With (obscene: restricted use)
We (substitute a euphemism)
I (censored) in your (too obscene)
Finally (edit) on your (blank)
Just thinking of it makes me want to (criminal act)

But there is someone standing over me, here for my own good
He hands me back the words I need to sing about my deed
They are wrapped up like confetti in a small brown paper bag
With some non-transparent sellotape so you can’t peep through the cracks
Oh my kindly friend the censor I am shocked
When I open it and read: ‘vagina’, ‘penis’, ‘suck’, ‘cunt’, ‘cock’

Oh my kindly friend the censor, this cannot be what you mean
To distill the very essence of obscene?

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